I'm trying not to, but I'm starting to feel like there's something wrong with me. Like, why can't my relationships last? It couldn't possibly be to save me from heartbreak...because I wasn't even IN an official relationship with Cody and even though our "more-than-friends" phase lasted 7 months, it tore me apart when it ended.

I don't want to be needy; I hate the idea of needing people. But I'm very needy and feeling broken at this present time. There's an aching, burning hole in my chest. That shouldn't be there. I keep telling myself I haven't lost anything.

You know, I guess it's time I put it out in the open. I got warnings. I got a warning from a complete stranger, the owner of the flower shop that did the flowers for my mom's funeral, that same evening that I walked all the way to his house and ended up telling him how I felt. She said to me, "It's not you, it's them. Don't settle." Basically she was telling me how I'm different and on another level than everyone around me, and that there's nothing wrong with me, and how I'll find the right person some day. It felt like a warning, especially as I knew what was in my mind.

And then my dad trying to tell me that there was no point, and that he's going to hurt me. But what's so weird about that is that in a way, he hasn't hurt me. Because he did everything the way he was supposed to, and yes, I'm hurt, but like, it's supposed to be okay.

I just hope I haven't ruined our friendship. Anyway, it's only been a few days and he's been feeling pretty crappy the whole week, too. So I guess time heals all...loads of time...

Nia says I should have waited because I was probably filling an emotional void...which I guess makes sense because now that the "stopper" is gone all the suppressed pain is flooding through. That must be why I'm all of a sudden so torn up about my mom again. Whereas I thought I was doing pretty okay.

I wonder if we would ever try again. I shouldn't think about that now. Maybe we got out for a reason.

I did say that God would have things work out the way they should one way or another...

All I know is I would go back in a heartbeat, which is probably a problem.