choosing joy

I've just come from an internet research binge on grief and what causes it...biologically (makes so much more sense now)...

The reason I dislike feelings is I can't quantify them. I don't know what causes them, and as a result, I don't know how to deal with them. I can't control them. If you don't understand something, you can't make it work for you or do what you want.

But the article I found (which I'll link here) https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-theater-the-brain/201401/grief-death-loved-one-is-part-life explains that the brain learns behaviors, which then become a part of it - neuronal connections and everything. Just like if you're learning to play a chord on the guitar, at first it's hard, you can't figure out how to place your fingers, and there is physical pain involved until you master the skill. Then if you want to learn a different hand position for the same chord, you now have to un-learn the first one. You must purposely NOT hold the chord like that, and there will be more physical pain involved until you learn to hold the chord the new way.

It's the same thing with grief. You learned, your whole life (in my case) to have a mother or loved one. Then, suddenly, you must learn to function without her. Everything is different. And it hurts, until you get used to performing these daily tasks without her.

And another article showed me that just like it is a conscious effort to learn to hold the chord a different way, it will have to be a conscious effort to think happy thoughts and remember good times rather than bad ones.

I remember when I was struggling with my mom being in the hospital and getting chemotherapy that I used to sit on the train and write lists in my phone...lists of good things that had happened that day. (God, I want to hug her and tell her it's going to be okay) So I'm going to try to do that again.

Good things today:
I found out that soon, payroll is not going to be one of my responsibilities at work anymore.
I had a nice cup of tea.
It's a good hair day.
I remembered to return the library book, and only a day late.
I feel marginally better in my chest. The hole is not as raw.
I found out how grief works.
Nia came and spent the evening with me yesterday so I wasn't alone.
People are inviting me places, even though I don't want to go, but it's the thought that counts.
I still have my daddy.
I still have my best friends.
It's Friday today.
I only have to do one tutoring session tomorrow.
I found someone to take both River and Satchel.
I found a strand of my mother's hair this morning in the bathroom...on the sink...which is interesting because the sink has been cleaned several times in the last three months.
My mother loves me and will never stop.