You know what I hate the most? Uncertainty.

I could be lazy and say I hate change, but that's not the root of it. I hate the uncertainty that comes with it. The lack of control. The anticipation that's not fun, it's nerve-wracking.

I don't like packing because I don't know where we're moving to, yet we have to be out in one week. I don't know what I'm going to do with my cats, but I don't want to give them up. Maybe there is a foster home that could take them for a while...but everything gets so much more complicated when one of them has behavioral issues.

I don't like the fact that we're moving without my mom...freaking awfulness. I don't like the strange in-between stage that it feels like I'm in with Cali...no answers. The only answer is basically he doesn't know either.

And I'm spending much too much time with him for my own good. I can't see this ending in a good way for either one of us. Because neither one can heal or focus....yes, there's a best friend thing, but I don't even hang out that much with Khrys. Or Nia. So...why should I be in his face like every day? Cooped up in a car with him for hours on end? It's like being married without the physical aspects. Which is its own type of torture.

It was almost easier when I thought he didn't have any feelings for me anymore. Now that I know that's not the case...it just...complicates things. Because it puts thoughts in my head that I spent over a month and a half trying to get rid of. And I was pretty successful at it...but honestly, the only way I managed to do that was by NOT hanging out with him as much. It feels like there's a cord connecting us, and I have feelings in my chest again and that's a problem.

He says he still feels the same about me, but...does that matter? Isn't that torture?

And yet I'm still going to go out there again today.

Why?