It's scary sometimes.

Like now.

Like when I fear being thrown back into last summer and the pain and the fear and the exhaustion and the dread of not knowing or understanding.

Like when she says she's so dizzy she could fall over, but I don't know what to do.

I hate feeling helpless.

And then people ask how she's doing, and I say she's doing much better, because I don't know what else to say.

They'll blame me if I say she's not doing well…they'll ask me if she's getting treatment. But she's not. But how do you force someone to get treatment if they don't want it? And then when certain people say that you shouldn't try to coerce or force her… it's her life.

But what the heck? It's MY LIFE TOO. It's MY MOTHER, and I'M the one who would have to live without her if things went really bad. NOT YOU. NOT EFFING YOU.

So don't tell me to let her be. That it's her life. It's my darn life too. So shut up.

And to you stupid doctors (I'm on a roll, now) who don't return phone calls, I hate you. And I hope that one day… I hope that one day my mom is completely cancer-free and we'll never have to see your faces again.

And cancer?

F*CK YOU.