hi there

Hai.

So now I know why I was feeling so mucky yesterday. I walked too much in the cold, didn't dress warm enough. This spring weather is SO unpredictable. The day before it was really, really hot, and I was overdressed.

Of course it follows that the next day I would underdress and it would be terribly cold and windy.

Of course.

So here I sit, with a major case of the sniffles and just, ick. But on a bright note, tomorrow I get my first paycheck =D

I'm thirsty. Oh. And I also found out today that one of the little boys from the school lives on my block. Whaddya know? Small world and all. Very small world.

Yesterday he texted me and said that if I was done being friends with him or talking to him that I should let him know, so that he wouldn't think I was always busy. He said he'd understand.

I thought about it long and hard, (which is part of the reason I got sick...I walked an extra three blocks on the way home thinking about it) and decided that in the end, I have to do what's best for me. And what's best for me is to not be in contact with him. So I told him as much. I said I was sorry, that I thought we could be friends afterwards, but that I can't. I said he should focus on what he has with his girlfriend now.

When I told my mom this morning, she said I ought to have wished them well, but I did that months ago. I did my best, okay? I genuinely believe that. I tried to be friends after the fact. I tried to have conversations and be normal. It might have looked normal to an outsider, but for me, it was torture.

Every time I saw a text come in, or heard the phone ring and it was him, it was torture. I dreaded it. Maybe that makes me weak. Who knows? It probably does. But that's okay. Because even though in some ways I'd like to continue being friends with him, and sometimes I miss being able to tell him things, right now, it's worse for me to be friends with him than not to.

And every day I get better, anyway. I get a little stronger.

I still have dreams sometimes that he and his girlfriend are in. That sounds weird. But she's always warning me to stay away, in the dreams. And he's always trying to keep me around. I had one dream where he literally grabbed me around the waist and wouldn't let go even though I was begging him to and trying to pull away.

I woke up from that one crying.

But I think this is just my brain's way of working all this out, ya know? I've got to do what's best for me. He's got to do what's best for him. And the one doesn't include the other anymore. Too bad.

I'll survive. And so will he.

So. New topic.
I've got plans for my first paycheck even though my dad said I should bank it all. Gah. I need some more dress clothes for work, but simple ones. Ones that can be mixed and matched and reused without it being obvious. And Topaze needs a new litter box, one with a lid. And I'm going to buy my mom a new cell phone. And my dad's birthday is in five days. I don't know what to get for him. I know he wanted a tablet...and a coupon just came in the mail for one...

See? All these eggs being counted and the hen didn't even lay yet.

Sigh.

OH! How could I forget???? The most important thing...I've got to tithe from it. I'm going to give to CARE; they're an organization that helps overseas. But I'm torn between giving to them and giving to my church. We're not really going there anymore, so I'm not sure whether I should give it to them. Like, would it be fair to them? Or would it be wrong for me not to give to them?

Then, also, my Pastor wrote a recommendation letter for me that helped me get the job. Okay. So I should at least give my first tithe there.

I hate owing people.

It seems inevitable.

I'm writing short sentences.

A lot.

I've been toying with the idea of writing a short story. Perhaps a one-shot fanfiction. Maybe? Maybe not. We'll see.

Okay.

Talk to you another time. Later gators!