Who am I?

Okay, so get ready for a whole barrage of self doubt and questioning... it's going to be a flood. If you don't feel like sitting through that - get out now.

I mean it.

Get.

Out.

Now.

Thank you.

I had a conversation today that the petty side of me thinks I could have done without. I mean, what is it with people who are older than you constantly feeling the need to impart wisdom into your life?

If you've got thirty years on me, heck, even twenty, by all means, go ahead. I'm listening. But not even a decade? *sigh* And I know life experience counts for something. But still.

Now that I'm done ranting about that, I can let my rational side take over and say "She pointed out some good things. Interesting things. Things you should take into consideration. Maybe you are naive."

Which brings me to my next point.

Am I so naive as to be frivolous? Immature? Inane?

Now she didn't suggest any of these things. Of course not. But my mental state instantly shifts to "self-deprecation mode" when I hear all my opinions challenged and then shot down with rational thought.

Okay fine. Maybe I do take things at surface value. I've never dug deep enough. Should I go all Freudian and blame my mom (or does he blame the dads?) for always giving people the benefit of the doubt and teaching me to do the same?

Or is it because I don't think for myself? Do I? I don't know. I like to listen to all sides of a story and then form my opinion based on the facts. But when it comes to non-people entities, like organizations, I do tend to pre-judge based on...nothing. Just ideas.

Okay. So that's a fault. And not fair - to them or myself. So I don't like to identify with just one race. I'm a mixture of two. Is there something wrong with that? Apparently.

It would appear that I'm short-changing myself what would have been a wealth of opportunity by choosing not to network. I guess that's a stupid decision to make.

But hear my defense (or at least the method behind the madness).

I'm a very solitary person. I dislike spending too much time with too many different people. I prefer working behind the scenes. I like anonymity. I hate three words: "extrapolate," "verify," and "network."

I hate when people tell me I have to behave a certain way, dress a certain way, or join something just because it's expected in "the real world" or "the corporate world," like, what? When I took a course to become a security guard, the trainer told me and the rest of the women in the class that we needed to wear heels to the interview because it presented a certain image and we most likely wouldn't get the job otherwise.

What. A. Joke.

I did end up wearing heels to that interview...I was eighteen and dumb. I did get the job. But the interviewer barely bothered to look me in the eye or shake my hand. Do you really think heels got me the job? Bah. (I should also probably mention that I'm nearly 5 foot 10 and taller than most women are in heels....when I'm barefoot.) I did NOT need to wear heels.

Then why should I need a list of titles after my name for that to get me recognition? Like, so what if what I do isn't validated by the rest of the world. Being a housewife isn't. In fact, it's frowned upon. Yet if there is no one to take care of the house and the children, how does it get done? Poorly.

Being homeschooled is another example. I have yet to meet someone who doesn't think that being homeschooled deprives you of socialization: "Oh, but you couldn't have had any friends!" or proper education: "Wait...your MOM taught you?" Eff yes, my mom taught me. And I had the best grades during that time that I've had in my entire academic career! And I had friends, I went on trips all over...just... ugh. I strongly, strongly dislike when people make assumptions about that.

Hmm. I guess I should take a little of my own advice and not make assumptions without knowing the full story.  But back to my rant for now.

My point is, that I think that what a person does should speak for itself. If I choose to be a writer, and I write extremely well, then I think that sending in a sample of my work should land me a position. What I don't think is fair is someone who isn't qualified getting a job or being notified of something earlier just because they "have connections."

Besides that, I hate all the schmoozing that goes on at social networking events. You smile, you shake hands, you act all proper, you dress fancy, you worry about your hair and make up and whether your dress looks better on you than on the next person and whether you have as many titles after your name as they do and you get impressed by them (as well as jealous because they have more) and you decide you must now get to know them because of what they can do for you.

Not because of who they are as a person. Not because of their skill set. Just because they have worked in the White House and they know the Secretary of State and therefore they are Important People.

Spare me. Please.

I also can't stand all of the sales gimmicking in those companies like Organo Gold...I joined because I thought I could make some extra money, but now they want me to have "coffee mixers"...aka tasting parties where I put on some smooth jazz music, dim the lights, dress up in heels and a blazer in my own house, and pep talk to dozens of people about what a great opportunity this is and how they are missing out if they don't join.

I. Hate. That.

Is it so bad that I don't want a life that consists of being fake? If I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to be forced to. Okay, yes, if I have to interview someone that counts as talking to people, but...in my eyes it's different because it's something I want to do. And I can wear jeans or sneakers or 0g tunnels while doing it. I can drink a cup of coffee...I can meet them on a park bench and interview them. I can travel the world. But I don't want to have to kiss butt cheeks to get there.

So. I don't like the idea of sororities, "affinity organizations," and the like for those exact reasons. Yet the person I had the conversation with managed to make me feel stupid - yes, stupid - for not wanting to join them. Not the sororities - but...

Let me just take a break for a moment. Have you ever realized just how complex everything is? Just so very full of a thousand little nuances and aspects and small moments that add up to make the big picture immensely complicated. It's like all the little pixels that make up a movie. Life is literally like that.

I just want to be me. I just want to wear bright yellow stockings, hang out with people younger than me, read, drink tea and coffee, and write. Is that really too much to ask?

Why do I feel bad about myself? Why do I feel naive? Why does it seem like I can't hold my own in a verbal conversation without sounding...dumb? Maybe that was all in my head...or maybe it's just how she talks. She speaks in a very condescending tone of voice, very apathetic...and it's very hard to impress her. Not that I'm trying to. No. But she's so NOT impressed by the school, NOT impressed by the classes, NOT impressed by the living conditions...and NOT afraid to let you know how NOT impressed she is with it.

I get it. Some people are better suited for some environments than others. But don't bash an environment just because you've been to what you believe is better. That's like an American bashing Middle Eastern living just because America has "better" infrastructure or something dumb like that. No. It's a different culture. And if you don't fit in, leave. Find someplace you do.

But seriously. I now feel as though I'm completely inadequate, as though my education is sub-par, as though I've been gypped for having to pay for my undergrad education (maybe so) and as though I'm settling for less by attending grad school here.

I'm tired of defending my decisions. Really. So I'm going to lay it out once and for all here.  I'm home because I want to be near my mother during her illness. I'm going to school here because I'm getting a good education for less money than elsewhere. Also, it's close to home. Which was a MAJOR factor in my decision not to move to Boston and go to school there. And bam. There you have it.

Are you happy now? No? I don't care.

But I want to be happy. I might not be headstrong in the ways that mean disobeying my parents by moving out (not that they're forcing me to stay home) or partying or just ...whatever... but I want to do what makes me happy. I want to pursue my dreams. I don't want a desk job. No, really. I  DON'T want a desk job. Nine to five? Gosh, no. Can't stand it. So totally not me.

But you know what? Everyone is different. Some people love competition (not me.) Some people are very driven and action oriented. I prefer to dream and think and let it all spill out in small black strokes on a page or screen. Some people prefer to go out and live in the world, do what "it" wants, follow the system to get by...I'd rather create worlds and live in those, and invite others in with me.

That's weird. I get that.

But writers are weird.