...but for now, my brain is faster than my wrist.
My fingers can keep up.
I went to lunch with Meeks today and she honestly made me see the light where so many others have failed.
I have my big break.
1. My mother is no longer sick. She will never be sick again. She is happy. I don't have to worry about her anymore.
2. We are no longer looking for an apartment and stressing about a landlord that wants us out. We have a place. A perfect place. It's cozy. It's cat-friendly.
3. I'm no longer in a relationship. I'm single. He doesn't value me in the way that I require, and therefore there isn't anything tying me to him. For what? Comfort? What is he giving me? Doing for me? But what am I doing for him? I'm not a child anymore. I need to act like an adult. That's what makes this time around different. I AM WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.
4. I no longer have to work at the school that stressed me out and caused me so much grief and couldn't pay me on time and told me I couldn't go back to school.
I have a car. I have a place to live. I have my dad. I have a degree, and I'm working on another one. I am self-employed. I have so many more hours in my day to myself now to accomplish everything that I put on hold to do my duty.
And am I going to, as Meeks put it, miss my rainbow because I'm too busy looking at the raindrops? It's all past. I am demanding more of myself. I am demanding that I be strong and stick to my guns. That means a schedule. That means a budget. That means Cody is being cut off again, and Cali is about to get schooled on what I am really worth. Not by me telling him. Oh no. By me showing him.
He's a great guy, sure. He was there for me when it counted. But he is actually flaky. Can't make up your mind about which girl you want? You desperately want your ex who broke up with you but you want to keep me in your back pocket as an option? NOPE. You work with me and promise to give me half of the money we earned and never do? NOPE. (Lesson learned) I sell your friend my turtle tank and it's not important enough to you demand he give you the money because you're the middle man and it's someone else's property sale we're talking about (saw that one coming)...NOPE. You complain that you're unhappy with your life and can't pay your bills yet you're too lazy to go out there and work? So I help you by driving when I realize you have no money for a metrocard? NOPE.
I'm starting to see all the ways in which I'm expending myself, and getting nothing in return but stress.
And Meeks had a point. The moment he gets either his ex back or another girl in his life, he has no use for me anymore. That's not an option. I am not an option.
What am I keeping him around for? Does he make me happy? No. He makes me comfortable. Or rather, he did. Now, when he's texting, even though we're not together, I stress over whether maybe it's some new girl, or if it's his ex texting him.
So. Like I said in my previous post, it's going to hurt, but I'm okay with that. Because I'm done. Time's up. Time to grow up.
Be mature. Be responsible. Do me, for me.
I want my master's by the time I'm 30. To do that, I need to start school full-time next August. To do THAT, I need six thousand dollars for the first semester. To do THAAATTTT....I need a little over $1500 to pay off my outstanding tuition that's been sent to collections.
So, budgeting.
I'm going to do freelance for a little while. However, I am also going to apply to jobs that are in my field because really, it can't hurt. And if I don't, then what were my six years spent in undergrad for? Stress and exhaustion? Bags under my eyes and a practically unshakeable coffee addiction?
I think not.
Monday write novel/nerdystuff
Tuesday write novel
Wednesday 7:30 tutoring daytime nerdystuff
Thursday Postmates evening/night daytime nerdystuff
Friday Postmates evening/night
Saturday 12:00/2:00 tutoring and Postmates
Sunday 1:30 tutoring and Postmates
Facts. Time to grow up.
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