I think I must be kind of pathetic

I'm becoming the person I never wanted to be.

Is it just me changing? Growing up? Or am I compromising too much? Or do I have no self control?

Anyway.

He came to visit for four days. And I've realized that there are deal breakers. I don't like how much he drinks. I don't like that he prefers to be high most of the time. I don't want to settle down yet.

I don't mean settle down in a relationship, I mean settle down in one part of the globe.

And also......Calvin wants to try again. Da fuq? Didn't see that coming. ANY TIME SOON. What's crazy though is that I'm so ready to jump back into that.

Only thing is...he doesn't want a title on it. Says a title doesn't really count for anything. (In response to my saying that a title is kind of like the only official guarantee you have) which I get, because yes, you can still cheat or still break up and still yada yada yada...even if you're married to someone.

All this stuff has been in my head and I haven't been able to sort it out until now...writing always helps.

He said that feelings for me grew (bigger) back when we were together, and then it was like nothing changed besides the physical part being removed, and that it used to be fun to resist me but now it's painful....and then there's the huge jump to saying he wants to get me pregnant which every part of me is like what the fudge, that's a huge leap, you don't even want a title but yet...wth?

What I'm trying to figure out is if I'm okay with the current arrangement.

Which is....we're "working on it" and seeing where it goes (he says he has a vision in his head but he hasn't said exactly what that is)

but the part that bugs me is...he would be okay with each of us dating someone else and then still having sex. The way that got brought up was weird...

I agree in one sense with no title because a title does tend to put pressure and expectations and take the fun out of exploring...and I feel like we rushed it the first time around.

I just...I don't necessarily need a guarantee like oh yes I want to marry you...because I have no idea if we would be compatible for that...it's like we've just admitted that we both are interested in each other what, six months ago? So it's like hey, take ten steps back and start from the beginning again. But I would like some sort of confirmation that he's not going to go on tinder and decide to talk to someone and then date them and be like so...I have sex with my best friend every once in a while, are you okay with that? (Literally a direct quote from him).

But then...what the heck is his vision? You don't sit there and want to have kids with someone..that's a lifelong commitment of like hey, we need to be involved in each other's lives forever...or at least for the next eighteen years.

And then, if we each did date someone else like in his weird potential scenario, wouldn't the connection between best friends who also sleep together who have a decade or more of history and solid friendship under the belt trump anything else? Anyway, I would never consider that as an option.

Although. What's weird is that had I gotten together with Cody and he had tried to "be a threat" I would probably have caved. What does that say?

Dunno.

Am I a bad person?

What does he even want? He likes hanging out with me and is also attracted to me physically. Same here. Eh. I've talked myself in a circle. But the "working on it" thing makes sense, because everything was so rushed before.

We are best friends who are exploring the possibility of what the mutual attraction could lead to....figuring it out. (isn't sex usually the last step in that?)

Anyway. Kids are a bad idea. For right now, at least. And I don't want to be pregnant out of wedlock. Eff that.