I can't think inside my head as well as I can think on paper...or on a screen. It goes in circles.

Suppose I do want to put an effort into this. That's so scary. It's like all these chapters in my life that I only ever thought about being in the distant future are all happening at once. Losing a parent. Being independent more than ever before. All of a sudden having the possibility of a proper relationship standing at the door.

That's the scariest part. Well, no, it's not, but I've already gotten through the worst, which was losing one parent.

So suppose I do go with the option of renting from him for two months. What would that mean? Nothing is set in stone...it doesn't have to be. Relationships end. I'm afraid of being hurt again or hurting him this time if it ends. Would it even start? Why am I being ridiculous? Of course it would. That's why he wants me to come there in the first place. And he's afraid of long distance. Which....I'm not going to say I get, because I don't, but whatever. Some people can't handle certain things. And we already did the long distance sort of half-relationship thing and it crashed and burned. Why go back to it?

I'm trying to figure out what counts? What is drawing me to him? Butterflies? Giddy smiles when I talk to him? The fact that he GETS me more than any other male species on the face of the planet? He has stability, which probably should be something I care about but I don't, and he's the type of person that I can be all aspects of myself around. Quiet and moody, giddy and childish, adventurous and explorative... all these things.

So is that what counts? What counts? Is there a moral absolute to what counts or matters in a relationship? Or is it what matters to me? It must be what matters to me, because different things matter to different people. But at the same time there are moral absolutes.

He agreed to the compromise of me renting from him for two months...my brain made a leap in intuition just now. Okay. I'll do it.

Sh*t.

I'm going to try. I'll...what do I have to do?

It's almost like, nothing to lose. Don't date while living in his house, but I will be able to save money to move out...and my dad wants to move to Ohio anyway...so it's like a win-win thing. If we are still compatible after two months of being strictly roommates, then I move out and get my own place, work, be independent, and we start to actually date. And I don't really know what happens after that lol.

What's supposed to happen after that? What really happens in a dating relationship? I don't freaking know. My longest official relationship was three months. Kinda pathetic.

So....save money to go to norway, save money to move to ohio, how much do I need for the room, need to make contacts over there, need to research neighborhoods, find out what the market for tutoring and postmates and uber and stuff is like, goal is.....move there by next fall.

WOW.

Okay. Might as well try, right? The failsafe is going to norway before that happens. So.....it's doable.

Okay.

OKAY.