Body woes

This is bugging me, so I feel like I have to write about it.

I'm skinny.

But I'm also fat.

I know that makes no sense, but hear me out. Ever since my mother died, my appetite has been all out of whack...more like non-existent. I've dropped from 173 lbs to 152 the last time I was weighed, and that happened in about three months. I've lost even more weight since then, and here's the catch. I like being "skinny." My thighs are finally at a size I'm pleased with, and I had practically no gut. The downside? Practically no boobs. I mean, they weren't big to begin with, but now they're so small they barely fill half of my B cup bras. I was so pleased back in the beginning of the year that I finally could fill a B cup. Welp. That's gone.

Anyway, the thing is, with the lack of boobage, my self esteem is kind of plummeting. And also my butt has gotten extremely flat. Size ten jeans that I used to have to squeeze into are falling off of me. I don't have any womanly curves anymore. And that bugs me.

Now to top it off, I'm annoyed with myself that I've been eating unhealthy once I started eating again. Fast food and fast food and fast food. KFC and burgers. And the first place I put on weight is my belly. So now I'm flat chested, flat butted, and big bellified. I might be looking at it out of proportion - I mean, maybe it doesn't look as bad as I think it does, but I'm fed up. The other day a friend of the family bought me lunch (burgers and fries from Checkers, and the meal had the sodium warning on it that it exceeds the daily recommended level) and then dinner (fried chicken wings and french fries) and I mean, that's not my life.

I'm used to eating organic foods and whole grain rice and pasta and vegetables and stuff like that. The last time I went to the doctor for a physical the doctor was extremely impressed with my blood work and commented that it was "excellent." I want to stay that way.

I'm annoyed with myself that I caved in and ate the bad food. Now I'm noticing my stomach getting bigger. I just..........want to be perfect?

I'm being dumb, I know, but at the same time I also want to be healthy.

My dad made a comment a few weeks ago that I looked really thin, and it's been bugging me since then. I don't want to be ugly. I don't want to be grotesquely thin. I'm not....but my clothes are too big for me now and it's weird. I look nineteen instead of twenty seven.

I can't even find the better portion of my clothes since we moved.

I just want to be pretty.