Focusing on ME...and a sudden turn.

I've been thinking.

I'm way too lenient. I say yes much too often. And I do it at the expense of my own happiness, progress, and well-being.

NO MORE! (Doctor Who reference...Gallifrey Falls)

But really, though. The reason I'm always exhausted is because I spend what SHOULD be my days off helping Cal work (because he couldn't be bothered to go to work when it counted) (That's really annoying me...it's a major character flaw. I won't be the one to support him if we're together in ten years...what...will there be diapers that need to be bought and school uniforms and a mortgage that needs to be paid and he will just say "I don't feel like working today?")

Starting in May, my days off will be my days off. I planned them a certain way because I knew what I needed in order to rest and recuperate. Instead, I've been spending them driving all around town or just sitting down in a car, not getting anything done.

Mondays and Tuesdays I could have been organizing the house. Sorting through my mother's things. Giving away what's not needed and putting up sentimental items. Taking bottles to the recycling location. Cleaning. WRITING.

My days off are Monday, Tuesday, and Saturday.
Monday was supposed to be a relaxing day where I just stayed home (can't tell you the last Monday I actually spent at home) and Tuesday a prep day for tutoring for the week. Saturday should be my day where if someone invites me out I can go, because I don't have anything else to do. The rest of the days, I don't have tutoring until 3:30pm at the earliest, so I just need to wake up early and I can do chores in the morning. Two hours of that each day and the house will be spic and span. Another two hours of working on my blog, and TADA, look how much I will have


**I just got a text from a friend/colleague that my former co-worker (her mom) passed away. She had breast cancer. I just spent the last ten minutes bawling my eyes out**

I was really cool with her...Ms. Burris. Gave her two cats...came to her house to tutor her granddaughter...she was cool at work...never one of those petty gossiping kinds. I knew she was sick and I bought some stuff for her and wanted to go visit her in the hospital but I couldn't bring myself to do it...it was too close, too reminiscent of what my own mother had just been through. I didn't want her to die. I mean of course, why would I want her to die? But I mean, it's cancer. WHY!?!?!?!?!? And now my friend is going through the same thing that I did just last year. It feels like there's a boulder sitting in my chest now.

I don't even know what to say or do. I have to think of what helped me when I was going through it. I didn't like all the people showing up and saying to ask if I needed anything, ones who hadn't been there...maybe I could offer to watch her girls for her for free for a couple of hours...I dunno.

Oh gawsh.