Logic....???

It is true what they say about Aquarians...you have to be our best friend first, lover second.

Yup.

I'm writing this to try and sort out my feelings, put my thoughts and emotions into words. But the trouble is, there doesn't seem to be enough words? No. Not that. More like I can't find the words to match the sensations...that sounds weird, and more serious than it probably is.

I'm not used to having words fail me. I've tried to sort it out in my head, to use reason and logic to figure out what's going on, but all that happens is...it's like I'm holding a ball of yarn, and it's completely tangled up. And then I try and try to sort it out; I find one string, and I start to pull, but then I can't see where that string goes, and when I finally give up, I'm more tangled up than I was to begin with.

What scares me about love? First of all, I don't like the word. I think I don't like the vulnerability that comes with it. It's been misused and overused and it's lost most of the meaning...and as a result I don't know what it really means anymore. My dad tells me that it means "sacrifice." I can see that. I loved my mom, heck, I still do, and I was willing to sacrifice everything for her, my time, my finances, my sanity. I'd still give all of that if it meant I could have her back.

I think I'm afraid of being hurt. I loved once, maybe twice, and both times I was hurt. I saw my parents love each other, but I also saw them bicker and fight and throw hurtful accusations at each other and I said, "how can that be love?"

I see my brother and sister-in-law butt heads all the time, talk about leaving each other, and I say, "how can that be love?" Yet they're still together. Is that what love is? That's not what I want it to be.

I know it's not bliss all the time, but it's still a scary thing.

I hate vulnerability. I don't like hand-holding (yes, we're back to that again) because it implies a connection that's unbearably deep. At least for me. I'll be needy, and never show it, because I don't want to come across as clingy or weak. I despise that in other women when I see them being "lovey-dovey" and just...clingy.

I spent so much time thinking about the future before...imagining a perfect life, a perfect family, everything oh so perfect. And it came crashing down around me. So...now, any time a thought comes into my mind regarding a possible future, my mind recoils into itself and hides away from completing the thought or dwelling on it.

It's like I don't want to get too involved, because what if he's not (maybe "invested" is a better word), but at the same time, I'm pushing 30 soon, so now is not the time to go for anything half-heartedly or casually. That's what I keep telling myself.

And then the thing is, I'm used to being the one who's being pursued, and being the one to shy away, and the whole shebang. I'm not used to it being mutual. Not from the start, anyway. So it's weird. Well, that's weird. No, not weird, just...unusual.

How do I go about navigating WANTING to be around someone? Actually, my question is this: What is holding us together? It's not like there are problems or anything so that I'm wondering why stick around? I'm just trying to figure out what put us together in the first place? It's not a swoony, lovesick sort of thing...

It's more like: He calms me down. I guess in a way, it is built solidly on friendship. I can stand to be around him for 12 hours at a time, and it doesn't even feel like that much time is passing. We can sit on the couch and not talk, and when I finally decide to look up from drawing, I see that he's fallen asleep. We can spend two hours in a car eating gummy bears and swapping stories about anime and sci-fi books, and we can talk about awkward things like pms and shaving pubes and just...not judge. If he's around, I feel grounded in a way, like things might be falling apart, but it's okay, because he's there. We can get on a train with no idea where we're going and just sit there until it takes us wherever we end up.

And because I'm trying to be mature about this, I will have to admit that I'm trying to evaluate him as a life partner. Like, isn't that what's important? To be with someone who you're comfortable with, who doesn't bore you, who you can talk to about anything, and who you can stand to be around 24/7? And then it helps if they share the same ideals as you...so....

But what scares me is the idea of putting myself out there. I already did, and that's why we're together, because after a certain point I couldn't deal with having him distance himself from me and try to date another person.

Haha. My mother was right, yet again. He did eventually say that he had been interested for years. Kudos to you, mamma. You know your stuff.

I tried to keep my emotions under lock and key. Bound and gagged, tied to a wooden chair in a room with stone walls. And then one day they broke free. Just exploded. I was lying on his bed and he came into the room and threw himself down next to me and just snuggled into my side, and POOF! BLAM! All of a sudden my chest was full of emotion and I was like WHAT IS THIS? STOP! I HAD YOU BOUND AND GAGGED! GET BACK INTO YOUR PRISON! And no amount of threatening my emotions would cause them to go back to where they were. I'm normal again, now, but I'm afraid of that happening again. I already like him, a lot, but I'm afraid of it turning into anything more than that. WHY, though? Is it because I'm afraid it won't be reciprocated? Probably. Yet still he's the one that comes up with random confessions (truly random) like...that he's wondered what our kids would look like.

Or what it would be like if we had twins.

And that terrifies me.

It's shaky. Unsure. I don't know where I'm treading. Or how to tread. So I'm doing it carefully. At least I hope I am.

You know, when one of the ladies who was a friend of my mom asked me about him just before the funeral, and she heard that we've been friends for nine years, she smiled and said, "He's a nice young man. And he's stuck around through this? He's not going anywhere."

You know, I kind of hope that's true.