I am having a DAY. It's probably because I'm in PMS mode, but like, still. I've been irritable all day, and it's like I lose the capability to deal with things the way that I normally would. Things don't just slide off my back, and I internalize things and make way more out of them than need be.
And I'm starting to realize that life is really freaking brutal. It doesn't go the way you wish it would, and the things people do that would make you upset or whatever when you sit back and think about it...it's like, whatever. Life sucks.
And normally, I'm a sort of "roll with the punches" gal. I don't like conflict, period. If something gets difficult, I'd rather sit it out than talk about it or get worked up. That's why my relationships never last long. It's like, well if something's not working, too bad.
I don't know if I understand the concept of working things out. It's so awful. Let me shut up. It's just PMS talking. I'm wearing storm-colored glasses right now instead of rose colored ones. There's nothing even wrong. I just feel crappy because I had to have a serious conversation this morning, and I hate serious conversations. Especially when I already feel like the world is crapping on me.
Also, I made a decision on.....Saturday....that I don't regret. I should, but I don't. And it didn't change anything, so I should be fine. Because everything was fine. It's just this stupid PMS making me overthink everything. It's weird how I can so clearly identify my symptoms now. A few days before, I get cold, freezing cold, from the inside out and no amount of warm tea or hot summer sunshine can cure it. (That was last night). About a week and a half before, my breasts get SUPER tender, to the point that they hurt just by being there. Maybe two to three days before, I can't deal with life, and I'm prone to breaking down crying because I've been asked to make soup. (Yes, that happened once). I also go into a shell and don't want to be bothered by anyone.
Anyway.
I'm actually having a really hard time putting this into words. I want to live my life. I'm nearly thirty. When am I supposed to start living my own life and making decisions where it really counts? WITHOUT a parent or two making me question everything and feel bad about the choices that I make? And it's like....okay. So, you tell me what you think, but then in the end, the choice is mine. You can't dictate to me anymore with a "you will not do this or that," because for one, I'm not going to listen, and two, I'm the one who has to live with the decisions I've made, not you.
My dad is messing up something that could be good - really good - because he doesn't like it. Sure, maybe it could go bad, but just...wow. For once, writing is not helping.
Bye.
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