I like having an online diary.

There's something comforting about it. It's like, you can be as anonymous as you want, but there is still the chance that someone can see what you're going through and either rejoice with you or relate to your struggles.

Why do I seem to be the girl that everybody wants/ nobody wants at the same time? And yet, the one that nobody gets because she won't open up to anyone?

Sometimes I think to myself that it would be good to be single my whole entire life. That a relationship is not worth the stress and the pressure and the disagreements.

But I do want children. And I don't think I want to adopt and be a single mom, although that thought has crossed my mind more than once. But what's brought this on is that at my job, there is a guy, Carl, who is beyond aggravating.

Why is he beyond aggravating, you might ask.

Well.

I'll tell you.

The man doesn't know how to take "no, thank you," for an answer. There's a difference between being persistent and harassing someone. He's borderline harassing.

I'm not a naturally rude person. I try to be polite. But now I understand why people say that others often mistake their kindness for weakness...gosh.

He offered to drive me home yesterday. I said "no, thank you." Multiple times. When I was leaving work, he pulled up in his car and blocked my path and insisted to drive me home. I said NO, THANK YOU, have a good evening.

He decided to park his car and WALK me home.

Now I will admit, I could have stopped about a block away from home and tried to dismiss him, but that thought didn't cross my mind at that moment. So now he knows where I live. And that's scary.

Especially because he said that he wants to get to know me so he can know "how to break me down" (the freak does he mean by that? He can go screw himself, honestly) and he also asked for my number, and when I didn't give it to him, he said "I can get it, you know, but I'd prefer if you gave it to me."

I told my mom and my dad, and my dad wants me to bring him his number so he can call him and tell him to back off. I'm also going to tell both my bosses. Because it's not cool.

It makes me uncomfortable. And if it makes me uncomfortable, then it's workplace harassment.

He's been bugging me for two days straight. Like, can't you take a hint? No, I don't want you to buy me lunch. No, I don't want you to cook me dinner. No, I don't want to call or text you. No, I don't want to give you my number. No, I don't want you to be my friend.

He says that he wants to decide whether I'm the type of person he wants as a friend, or the type of person he wants to tell stories to his kids about how we met.

DON'T I GET A SAY IN WHETHER I WANT TO BE FRIENDS OR NOT?

He's seriously pissing me off. And I know I don't show it, because I'm polite, but goodness. There's a song playing on Pandora right now...the lyrics are "and the cracks begin to show."

That's how I feel right about now.

Completely just...ugh. I haven't disliked someone so much in quite some time. Yeesh. I just had to vent about this. And get it on record, because he's freaking me out.

Okay. Later.
Good night.

it's springtime again

This is why I love the springtime.

It's composed of days where I can be content, even though I may have had a long and rough day...but then, the sky is so perfect and I can listen to mellow music and be on my computer and everything is perfect and okay just for this moment.

I came home from work a little while ago (I GOT MY PAYCHECK, YAY!)  and neither mom nor dad are home yet, so I'm just relaxing with Topaze. I changed into comfy clothes, put on Pandora, took out some food from the freezer to defrost, and now I'm sitting in the living room just being me.

I've missed this.

The feeling of having been productive and then being able to sit back and relax.

It reminds me of days spent on my college campus (which I find really hard to believe are over) looking out of the wall-to-ceiling window in the common room of the dorm I stayed in. I miss that. But at least I have that feeling now.

Ah yes, I've finally got my diploma. Thank God.

I did have to take home some work to finish over the weekend...*cringes* don't judge me. It would never have gotten done there.

I'm uploading a video to youtube now... it's 15 random things about my life and me. I like having a youtube channel. Although I must admit, now that I'm working, I'm sure I don't have a clue when I'll find time to film videos. How do other people do it?

Maybe I have to do it on weekends. Yeah. Or maybe early in the mornings? Meh. We'll see.

Catch you around.

hi there

Hai.

So now I know why I was feeling so mucky yesterday. I walked too much in the cold, didn't dress warm enough. This spring weather is SO unpredictable. The day before it was really, really hot, and I was overdressed.

Of course it follows that the next day I would underdress and it would be terribly cold and windy.

Of course.

So here I sit, with a major case of the sniffles and just, ick. But on a bright note, tomorrow I get my first paycheck =D

I'm thirsty. Oh. And I also found out today that one of the little boys from the school lives on my block. Whaddya know? Small world and all. Very small world.

Yesterday he texted me and said that if I was done being friends with him or talking to him that I should let him know, so that he wouldn't think I was always busy. He said he'd understand.

I thought about it long and hard, (which is part of the reason I got sick...I walked an extra three blocks on the way home thinking about it) and decided that in the end, I have to do what's best for me. And what's best for me is to not be in contact with him. So I told him as much. I said I was sorry, that I thought we could be friends afterwards, but that I can't. I said he should focus on what he has with his girlfriend now.

When I told my mom this morning, she said I ought to have wished them well, but I did that months ago. I did my best, okay? I genuinely believe that. I tried to be friends after the fact. I tried to have conversations and be normal. It might have looked normal to an outsider, but for me, it was torture.

Every time I saw a text come in, or heard the phone ring and it was him, it was torture. I dreaded it. Maybe that makes me weak. Who knows? It probably does. But that's okay. Because even though in some ways I'd like to continue being friends with him, and sometimes I miss being able to tell him things, right now, it's worse for me to be friends with him than not to.

And every day I get better, anyway. I get a little stronger.

I still have dreams sometimes that he and his girlfriend are in. That sounds weird. But she's always warning me to stay away, in the dreams. And he's always trying to keep me around. I had one dream where he literally grabbed me around the waist and wouldn't let go even though I was begging him to and trying to pull away.

I woke up from that one crying.

But I think this is just my brain's way of working all this out, ya know? I've got to do what's best for me. He's got to do what's best for him. And the one doesn't include the other anymore. Too bad.

I'll survive. And so will he.

So. New topic.
I've got plans for my first paycheck even though my dad said I should bank it all. Gah. I need some more dress clothes for work, but simple ones. Ones that can be mixed and matched and reused without it being obvious. And Topaze needs a new litter box, one with a lid. And I'm going to buy my mom a new cell phone. And my dad's birthday is in five days. I don't know what to get for him. I know he wanted a tablet...and a coupon just came in the mail for one...

See? All these eggs being counted and the hen didn't even lay yet.

Sigh.

OH! How could I forget???? The most important thing...I've got to tithe from it. I'm going to give to CARE; they're an organization that helps overseas. But I'm torn between giving to them and giving to my church. We're not really going there anymore, so I'm not sure whether I should give it to them. Like, would it be fair to them? Or would it be wrong for me not to give to them?

Then, also, my Pastor wrote a recommendation letter for me that helped me get the job. Okay. So I should at least give my first tithe there.

I hate owing people.

It seems inevitable.

I'm writing short sentences.

A lot.

I've been toying with the idea of writing a short story. Perhaps a one-shot fanfiction. Maybe? Maybe not. We'll see.

Okay.

Talk to you another time. Later gators!

Short update

Hi.

I've started so many posts this year but saved them all as drafts.

I'm determined not to do the same with this one.

I have good news. I GOT A JOB! I'm working as an administrative assistant at a school. It's a crap-ton of work and responsibility, but I like it. It's good for me. And the children are adorable. It's ages 2-5.

I also need to do my hair for tomorrow but I have an almost-headache.

Mom had company over tonight; her friend, who speaks norwegian. I braided her hair for her.

Tomorrow my childhood friend Kimmie wants to come and visit, but I don't know about that. I'm not getting any time for myself. Any time to rest.

Is this what it's like to have a job and responsibility?

I don't think I want a full-time job for the rest of my life.

Anyway. I'm going to keep this short so that I can actually post it tonight and not just end up with yet another draft. I'm also making a bunch of typos because I'm so tired.

Good night.

Luv ya.

A Story of Hope

new crush and maybe a poem or song

Yes. I have a new crush.

It may be creepy...to him. But he's famous. So he's used to these things.

No, he doesn't know I exist. But he inspires me.

It's Jamie Campbell Bower, and he plays Jace in City of Bones, which is the movie that was made out of my faaavvvorrrite book series. And he sings. And has a British accent, but not when he sings.

He has the most amazing voice ever, is six feet tall, has blonde hair and blue eyes and just the most hilarious and amazing personality...and I'm gushing.

But that's okay, because I miss gushing (over someone I can't possibly have).

There's something safe about that.

I've needed an escape. Something to fangirl over. And I have it now.

I love his music. I'm listening to one of his song's now: Waiting. I loooove it.

It's such a happy song, while being longing at the same time. But it's a summer song, reminds me a little bit of Summer Shudder by AFI if it were acoustic. Perfect for playing around a bonfire on a beach at night, with sparklers and hot dogs and maybe some bottles of beer.

Perfect night.

I've learned to crochet in the past few days (week or so). It's incredibly...cathartic. Relaxing. Fun.

I've launched an online store to sell knitted/crocheted headbands and other accessories. Hopefully it does well.

I've also started drawing again, and (as usually tends to happen) I'm like ten times better than I was before. I don't know how that happens. Maybe because I go on a long hiatus I come back with more patience? Determination? I don't know, honestly. But now I'm REALLY good, if I may say so myself.

This song is so inspiring. It makes me happy. It makes me want to write.

V.1
Blue bottles lined on a shelf
sunlight streaming in on the dusty windowsill
as I sit here with my strings and my song

White lace on the bed
rose petals falling from the dresser
onto my lap... they kiss my lips and whisper so long

Chorus.
There's ink in my wrists and fingertips
Cut me open and watch it flow
like a river, like a stream
it's gonna flow strong and slow

Make me happy or make me sad
that's what you can always do
Even if I tried I couldn't control you
You flow in me
So strong and slow and glad

V.2
Jars filled with hairpins and fireflies
a cracked countertop and a collection
of rocks

bits of paper and ice my castle will rise
but my castle is full of ghosts and cinderblocks
So I run there to escape from the world

Chorus. (2x)
There's ink in my wrists and fingertips
Cut me open and watch it flow
like a river, like a stream
It's gonna flow strong and slow

Make me happy or make me sad
that's what you can always do
Even if I tried I couldn't control you
You flow in me
so strong and slow and glad

So strong and slow...and glad

A Little Useless

My life has come to something of a standstill.

I'm not really doing anything with it, at least not in the "American" way of doing things. Like having a job or going to school or doing "something productive." It's not that great for my self esteem.

Oh I'm doing something alright. I've decided to stay home with my mother and put off grad school until she fully recovers from the cancer. Thank God she's well along that road now, much better than she was before.

There's been significant shrinkage of the tumor, and she can eat normally again. She's sleeping in her own bed instead of in an armchair, and she's been taken off the fluid restriction that she was on. Her hair has stopped falling out and is starting to grow back, and she's generally a lot happier.

I'm generally a lot happier, too...

She also celebrated her 54th birthday last Wednesday. =) Happy birthday, Mom.

We've settled in pretty nicely to the house, and I did most of the decorating, although there was one evening where we all pitched in and made the living room and dining room look pretty.

I like it here.

I'm quite content.

Except....I feel kind of useless.

It's all the fault of American, capitalist advertising, I suppose. Broadcasting the idea that a woman should be out of the home working and contributing to the society in such a way as to not be there for her family.

I'm taking care of my mom, helping her out and the like, but because I don't have a job or anything really to show for my six years of college, I feel like I haven't amounted to anything.

In the meanwhile, there's things I'd like to do now that I'm at home all day. I'd like to take up learning ballet and the guitar, but there's not time for that. I mean, there is, but I can't seem to find it.

Someone once said that everyone has the same amount of hours in a day, it's how you spend it that's up to you.

That's true, I guess. But I still feel so stunted.

I've been really sad today. I can't give you a good reason except thoughts like those I've jotted down above have been foremost in my mind all day. I cried a bit.

Okay, a lot.

Stupid me. My mom says I'm doing the most important thing there is, which is helping someone's (her's) life be easier, but I still feel ... useless.

Like I'm in a rut and can't get out and I'm spinning my tires uselessly. Notice the recurrence of the word "useless?" It's showing up a lot.

*sigh*

I'm going to go help prepare dinner so that I'll be a little bit less useless.