A Little Useless

My life has come to something of a standstill.

I'm not really doing anything with it, at least not in the "American" way of doing things. Like having a job or going to school or doing "something productive." It's not that great for my self esteem.

Oh I'm doing something alright. I've decided to stay home with my mother and put off grad school until she fully recovers from the cancer. Thank God she's well along that road now, much better than she was before.

There's been significant shrinkage of the tumor, and she can eat normally again. She's sleeping in her own bed instead of in an armchair, and she's been taken off the fluid restriction that she was on. Her hair has stopped falling out and is starting to grow back, and she's generally a lot happier.

I'm generally a lot happier, too...

She also celebrated her 54th birthday last Wednesday. =) Happy birthday, Mom.

We've settled in pretty nicely to the house, and I did most of the decorating, although there was one evening where we all pitched in and made the living room and dining room look pretty.

I like it here.

I'm quite content.

Except....I feel kind of useless.

It's all the fault of American, capitalist advertising, I suppose. Broadcasting the idea that a woman should be out of the home working and contributing to the society in such a way as to not be there for her family.

I'm taking care of my mom, helping her out and the like, but because I don't have a job or anything really to show for my six years of college, I feel like I haven't amounted to anything.

In the meanwhile, there's things I'd like to do now that I'm at home all day. I'd like to take up learning ballet and the guitar, but there's not time for that. I mean, there is, but I can't seem to find it.

Someone once said that everyone has the same amount of hours in a day, it's how you spend it that's up to you.

That's true, I guess. But I still feel so stunted.

I've been really sad today. I can't give you a good reason except thoughts like those I've jotted down above have been foremost in my mind all day. I cried a bit.

Okay, a lot.

Stupid me. My mom says I'm doing the most important thing there is, which is helping someone's (her's) life be easier, but I still feel ... useless.

Like I'm in a rut and can't get out and I'm spinning my tires uselessly. Notice the recurrence of the word "useless?" It's showing up a lot.

*sigh*

I'm going to go help prepare dinner so that I'll be a little bit less useless.