I think I have to word vomit

I had a great weekend. Sleepover and bonfire with Cal, plenty of cuddles and watching Avatar the Last Airbender (it's on Netflix now) and trying out a new game he got: Nioh 2. It was kinda fun, but I'm not feeling the whole "demon" thing. They creep me out, and if I'm being honest, my dad's beliefs about such things have rubbed off on me a bit. Can't discount it, anyway.

Still. It was a really nice weekend.

Oh, my glasses arrived today. I ordered them from Firmoo and they look fantastic. I got one pair that's clear/gold rimmed and has a night time anti glare coating on it, and a burgundy pair that are blue-light cancelling. I'll wear the gold ones on the regular and the red ones when I'm on my computer.

I also installed faux locs in my hair again - the last time I did that was maybe in 2014 or 2015. My dad hates it, of course, and is convinced that I am sliding further and further down the slippery slope into hell - apparently they're not a protective style and they're just a means for demons to enter me I suppose. Well. Sigh.

Thing is, the person that he wants me to be; the daughter he wanted - that's not who I am. I'm someone who likes piercings and playing the piano, who wants to try out video games and likes to speculate about aliens and time travel, who believes in science and stretches her earlobes and wants to have pet cats. I'm someone who always wants to know why before I choose to believe something, who wants to experience life on my own terms and drink a bottle of beer once in a while (as in once every four or five months).

But he wanted a singer with a heavenly voice; a gymnast or basketball player who wears long skirts and loose clothes and never ever ever cuts her hair. Someone who is one hundred percent involved in an old-time Pentecostal church and never so much as looks at a man unless she's been told by a pastor that this man is to be her husband. Someone who reads the Bible every single day (I'll admit, ain't nothing wrong with that) and doesn't question what she's told. Even if it's social media telling you that a vaccine (that doesn't exist yet) has a microchip in it and is going to be the mark of the beast. I swear this is getting to be too much to handle mentally.

When I got depressed after my mother died and lost 30 pounds, he told me I didn't look good; I looked too skinny and who would want me like that? Meanwhile literally everyone else was telling me how great I looked, and aside from wishing my butt was a little bigger, I liked myself at that size. Then when I gained back the 30 and an additional 10, he pointed out the cellulite on my thighs and said I was getting too big, that men don't like cellulite, and asked if I was pregnant.

*laughs bitterly and shrugs*

Can't win with him, huh? That's why I've pretty much given up. I think I need to move out, but the problem is, I can't f*cking afford it. Not unless I live in my car, and what will I do with the cats then? Perhaps I should keep applying for affordable housing. Maybe I'll get lucky.

At least I'm back in school now, working on my masters. That reminds me: I need to register for fall classes, but first I have to find out whether or not I qualify for financial aid if I'm part time. I'll do that this evening when I'm done writing on here.

Tomorrow I have a zoom call scheduled with a feminist/steminist/motivational coach, and I really hope that I can participate in her program and that it helps me to stop procrastinating and doubting myself.

I mean, I can either continue to live in my dad's shadow and second guess every decision I make, feel bad about doing my hair or whether or not I decide to spend a bit of money on some decor or clothes, or I can woman up and be an adult and start living like one.

And I don't think I can reasonably do that still living at home.

I will first get myself stable financially, and then I will move out. I can't deal with the anxiety anymore.

I get anxious when I know he's coming home, or going to be home. I start to feel like I've done something wrong and I'm going to get in trouble whenever I think of him. If I spend an extra night away from home I'm convinced he's going to kick me out. I live in constant fear of judgment.

Oh my gosh.

Now I see what my mother was going through. Now I understand why her anxiety was always through the roof, why she often took it out on me, and why she was stressed.

It's very unfortunate. I can't imagine being married to the person who makes you feel that way, and worse, being 100% dependent on them because you're not working.

I must never be dependent on a man.

I've noticed that my anxiety from my dad is leaking out into other areas of my life and making me worry about what other people think of me, too. It's not good. I will conquer it.

Yeah. I'm aiming for a one bedroom apartment. I might like the idea of studios, but ain't nothing wrong with a one bedroom if you can afford it. Alrighty.

The writing has helped.

And my glasses are cool.

See ya next time.

It's 2020, and I never did a 2019 me.

So here's me...but it's an April 2020 me.

• my hair is growing out
• I dyed it bronze-ish auburn-ish (it was supposed to be blondish)
• same two cats and a new betta fish named Raxacoricofallapatorius 
• still work at Target
• started my masters again in science communication (FINALLY)
• four years into my relationship (and things have gotten SO much better than I ever expected)
• I stand up for myself a lot more than I ever used to
• I wear more black and red now than anything because work uniform
• I started drawing again
• I taught myself how to make stickers (from scratch)
• I learned to make GOOD baked macaroni and cheese (have my own recipe now)
• my bedroom looks like a minimalist boho studio apartment
• I do my own mani pedis with gel nail polish 
• still obsessed with the mortal instruments and all spin offs
• the new doctor who seasons suck
• but I'll always love the old ones
• went on my first cruise
• went with cal and his mom & her friend
• it went to bermuda
• went in a hot tub for the first time
• I'm growing my hair out again
• I had cut it into a buzz cut so it was less than an inch long 
• I transitioned from classical to jazz
• got drumsticks as a gift (only took 13 years)
• still dress mostly sporty/athleisure 
• getting curious about makeup
• actually really like playing video games
• spend my weekends at cal's (& dad is okay with it!)
• there's a frigging pandemic going on
• I've kept plants alive for about a year now
• my relationship with my dad is pretty okay
• relaunched my science instagram and gained quite a few followers 
• gotta stay active
• paid off my amazon credit card
• went to the corn maze with cal for the second year in a row
• gained about 45 lbs in about a year and a half
• hey, at least I have my butt back
• gotta get rid of this belly gut though
• it scares me that I question christianity so much
• but I do believe Jesus died for my sins
• I still want to know "why" everything
• favorite color....maybe pale dusty rose? I like neutrals a lot.
• favorite food: chicken wings
• favorite movies: still day after tomorrow, I robot, and transformers
• favorite tv shows: doctor who, that 70's show
• best book I've read lately: funny. I don't remember the name of it but I read it while on the cruise. that one. 
• I look more like my mother than ever before
• had to give my cats away and then got them back
• I really need routines and lots of breaks
• I have an obsession with notebooks
• floral things. all things floral.
• I still do a lot of psychology research online
• did a road trip to NC, stopped in Delaware and passed through virginia, saw the Capitol
• cal told me he loves me

2019 was a really good year. It was actually the first year since my mother died that I spent mostly happy. Genuinely happy, content, and with positive feelings for most of the year (there were a few hiccups here and there but overall, it was good.)

I just realized I've had this blog for ten years now.

I guess you could say it's my longest commitment ever. LOL.

Wow.

Ten whole years.

I still remember the day I started it, sitting in biology class with...what was her name? Pearlmutter? She was a cancer biologist. The theme was different back then...all black and dark and emo, haha.

This has basically been a place where I've dumped all my fears, hopes, dreams, fantasies, plans, heartbreaks, adventures...for a whole decade.

I kind of can't believe it. And in that time, only what, four people really know it exists? It's best that way. It's basically my diary.

If I hadn't had this, I'd have gone mad years ago.

Thanks for being here, blogspot.

things about him pt. 3

The way he will lean on me when he's sleeping, even if he's facing the opposite direction. The way he will play with my hands or reach up to hold them when I'm on the bed and he's playing video games. How he always gets super affectionate if I've fallen asleep before him and will wake me to give me a goodnight kiss. The way he wraps his arms around me from behind sometimes and will lean his head on my back and just rest there. How he's willing to listen to my insecurities and asks about them but doesn't get upset or judge me. The fact that he made a photo of me his laptop wallpaper - and I just happened to notice one day when he was on his laptop. The fact that he made his password the AIM username I had when we first became friends 13 years ago. The orgasms. Yeah, I went there. How he will call me from work and spend hours on the phone with me while working, while driving home, and then stay on the phone with me until he's ready to go to sleep (usually after midnight). How he doesn't mind being on the phone with me while he's sculpting, or while he's doing other things throughout his day. The way he will check to see if I've made it home safely if I don't text that I'm home within the tine I would usually get home from work. The check-ins that he gives me when he's gotten to work, is done, and is home, or if he's at a friend's house. The fact that his friends are so sure that he's in his last relationship, and that he said if he ever messed up he has everything to lose. How he said he's gotten used to me sleeping next to him, and his sleep isn't as satisfying if I'm not there. How we spent six hours or so laying in bed cuddling innocently on our fourth anniversary, just holding hands and caressing each other. How he wants to play video games with me and got me a sci-fi video game for Christmas, wrapped up and tied with a ribbon. The level of skill he has with sculpting - how much he's improved over the years. His skill with building furniture from scratch. His support of whatever I want to do, and his faith in me.

There's more. But I got this bit out of my system to remind myself to appreciate what I have. Who I have. Don't let the fear kick in.

Things I've discovered about myself

I need a routine. I need to stay busy. Too much time alone with my thoughts and unless I'm in a great place mentally, I'll be in a horrible place within the hour. I don't deal with stress well. I multitask a lot - I'll be watching one YouTube video on my TV, another on my iPad, reading an article on my phone and alternate between cooking, cleaning and drawing or painting, approximately every fifteen minutes. My default mode is silence - I don't talk much when I'm content or comfortable. I need to go outside and physically touch nature every once in a while; pick up a stick, rip up some grass or sit on a rock near a pond or stream.

I overthink too much. Way too much. I'll overthink the good things, then project them onto someone else besides myself and start overthinking bad things.

I stand up for myself a lot more now than I used to. I let people know when I'm not okay with something they've said or done, whether it's to me or someone else. I've become obsessed with the color pink. It's kind of ridiculous, really. I take criticism very hard, even though I try not to. I try to be open and vulnerable and courageous and love. Sometimes I succeed.

I can't go too long without eating pasta. Cuddles (with Cal) are the best thing ever. I'm not as much of an adamant "paperback book only" kind of reader anymore. I might buy a kindle. I've become more swept up in the feminist/steminst/blacklivesmatter movements than I ever thought I would be.

There are more things, but for now, let's let that sit.

okay.

Places that need attention:

• space in between cabinet and fridge
• hall closet
• garbage can situation
• front of kitchen sink situation
• bottom of thing under microwave
• side table
• my closet

Now we need solutions: 

• standalone storage compartments with shelves (for the blender? coffee pot? cereal? teas?) and space for a bin to hold recycling bottles underneath. Oh yeah. Top shelf is definitely getting a fake plant. One of the expensive ones. 
• coats only on one side, other side holds toolboxes. Install shelves along one side of back wall and side wall. vacuum cleaner gets stored in there, along with toiletries and cat litter bag. That's where garbage bags and stuff will be stored too. Oh yeah, we'll also keep cleaning solutions in there. laundry detergent and the like. Wouldn't it be great if we could fit two hampers in there for our laundry? Guess we'll see.
• bout to drop $200 on a simplyhuman two part stainless steel garbage can which will take up way less space by the sink. 
• get rid of that rack in front of the sink. We never use anything that's stored on it anyway. All it does is take up space. Get rid of the little side table too. And the tablecloths that are on it. 
• either set up or get rid of the game consoles and put a cat bed there?
• put the books from the side table in the space underneath it.
• get rid of ninety percent of what's in my closet, clear out top shelves, store off season clothes up there (in baskets - will they fit? they'd better)

Okay. 

see, the weird thing about how I live now

is that it sometimes feels like I live alone.

And that can be a good thing and a bad thing. Like, I forget to clean sometimes. Or I just have no motivation to, if I'm being honest. However, I don't let it get too messy before I start to go nuts and go on a cleaning spree.

But for the things I don't like to do, like clean the toilet. Or wipe up beard hairs from the sink.

Funny thing is, if I were married, I probably still couldn't escape that.

But I'm home by myself a lot. When my mom was alive, she was almost always home. So whenever I got home from school or work, she'd be there. There was always the vibe of someone else being in the house.

Now it's usually just my cats.

And while that might seem lonely, it's not. It's actually just a stark reminder of where I probably ought to be in life by now.

For example, where we live now, it's not by choice, exactly. It's much less than ideal when it comes to the quality of life. HOWEVER. Rent is EXTREMELY cheap, considering we live in New York City. And who really needs that much space anyway?

But here's where the "not-living-alone" part kicks in...I clean the kitchen table and come home to find it covered in bread, buns, napkins and plastic forks.

Know what? I just had a thought. I'm going to cherish this, because one day I won't have it.

That's something that's been on my mind a lot lately. The fact that one day, if life on this planet continues the way it always has, my dad won't be around. Neither will I. And nothing says that one will happen before the other.

Sigh.

But my point is, since I digressed, that I would like to have things a certain way. Decorate a certain way. Build shelves, get rid of barrels and the walk-in closet (yes we actually have one, it's in the hall, though) full of winter coats that my dad hasn't worn in three years (going on four).

Should I do it? Would he resent me for it? Gosh. I open that closet and don't know where to begin. It's full of things we never, ever use. Really, the only thing we ever take out of there is the vacuum cleaner. He doesn't even keep his work bag in there anymore.

There would be room for his shoes, proper organization of his tools, all our bulk paper towels and toilet paper...we could actually hang the coats we DO use in there...I would even put a paperwork storage system in there and buy a shredder.

You know what? Maybe I'm just being lazy. Maybe I should do these things anyway. I want to replace the rinky dink garbage and recycling cans we have that don't close properly with stainless steel ones that take up less space.

All the water bottles he brings home? There would be space to hang a bag inside that closet to put the empty ones in for recycling. Or that little space in between the refrigerator and the...what is that called? China cabinet. I could install some shelves there with a bigger space on the bottom to hang a bag for the bottles.

We need to recycle all our plastic bags, too. I noticed to day that Target has a plastic bag recycling bin. Since I found out that plastic bags aren't recyclable the normal way, there's no point to throwing them out with the trash.

Oh yeah. I want to switch to biodegradable garbage and recycling bags, too. I found some on amazon.

I know people say that it's the big corporations making the most pollution and they're not being held responsible for it, and that's true, but that doesn't give us the excuse to be crappy human beings and add to it as well.

I've pretty much gotten my room the way I want it, or at least to a way that I'm pretty satisfied with how it looks. I need to tackle my own closet as well - since working at Target I've accumulated way too many clothes and I find myself struggling to decide what to wear, a sure sign that I no longer have what can reasonably be called a capsule wardrobe.

I spend too much money, too. I think I should budget out how much I need for two weeks, withdraw that in cash (including gas money) and leave my debit card and credit cards at home.

Yeah.

And take the target app off my phone. Or at least unlink my debit card.

I impulse buy much, much too often. It's like an urge overtakes me and I spend, spend, spend until I have either just enough left to pay my bills or too little.

I can't keep living like that.

I'm tired again. I took a nap when I got home, but probably only slept for about two or three hours. I didn't sleep well last night (had an allergic reaction that woke me up in the middle of the night) and then went to work for 7:00 this morning. Worked until three fifteen...came home...I guess I could do with some more rest. It's almost midnight now. One minute away.

I'll finish cleaning up my clothes and then go back to bed.

See ya. Thanks for listening.