I'm slowly getting back to normal

It feels good.

I knew I wasn't this anxious ball of misery and self-hate, normally. That wasn't my normal self. I've always suffered from some insecurity, but never to the level that I experienced it in the last few months.

I honestly think it was the Yaz.

I'm three weeks into the new birth control: ortho tri cyclen, and so far it seems to be doing well.

I just wanted to check in and let you know I'm doing better.

Also, I've got those two new students!!!! Yay!

Last Sunday I spoke to my sister in Jamaica for the first time...that was...awkward. But I suppose...interesting. Found out I have another niece and nephew, aged 13 and 17. Their names are Shadian and Kadian. I don't know if I'm spelling it correctly.

Anywhoo................back to prepping for tutoring.

what's wrong with me?

I keep telling myself it must be the hormones. It must be me starting a new birth control pill. Or maybe I'm just crazy. I don't know. Maybe it's grief showing yet another weird, ugly stage.

But here I am, sitting on the floor, having a meltdown in full on tears because my dad is going to be spending the night away from home. His job is sending him to Massachusetts for a night-time delivery, and it means he won't be back until tomorrow night.

I feel so alone.

It's stupid.

But if I can't even handle him going away for one night, how would I handle him working as a trucker and being away for several nights at a time? How would HE handle ME moving out? Wouldn't he feel utterly abandoned?

Why does it all have to be so hard? Why do we have to be so sad? Why do I have to cry?

Depression was one of the side effects of this new bc pill...but it hasn't even been a full week that I've been on it. Still, I think I'll take depression and being sad over being anxious and fretting and feeling like my heart is going to explode and that I'm going to be left and abandoned and replaced and all of that. That was NO FUN.

Am I depressed? Is it just me dealing with all the leftover emotional crap from my mom passing away? Why hasn't she come back to visit me? Maybe she's waiting for me to go visit her.

I feel so paralyzed. Like I can't do anything, or muster the willpower or courage to do any of the things I want to do.

I bought a book about how to overcome anxiety, and I started reading it yesterday. I really hope it helps. Writing seems to help, though, well, with this. If I'm anxious I usually write myself in a circle.

The book said I need to rediscover my goals, and acknowledge them, and use them to have something to work towards and focus on rather than trying to focus on getting rid of anxiety. Because the more you focus on something the stronger its effect on you is.

Problem is, I feel unsure about my goals now. I know I wanted to publish my book (gotta finish it first), I know I wanted to have my science blog and my drawings and tutor...but it's like all I can do is lie in bed and think. It used to be all I could do was lie in bed and fret. Now the fretting isn't there as much, but I have this major brain fog, where even when I'm reading something it feels like it isn't really sinking in. As if I'm distracted and focusing on something else...some other underlying thoughts.

And I think Cal might be on my mind way too much for my own good. That can't be healthy. Maybe it's because I'm home too much and so there isn't anything else for me to think about.

I probably have some form of OCD. I obsess way too much about things. Anything. In general. I think too much. I wish I could turn off my brain for just an hour. Even when I sleep, I don't get rest, because I'm dreaming about things...things that have been bothering me or things that I'm afraid of...they happen in my dreams.

Like I dreamt that I got dumped. I dreamt that my mom came back to life but was sick and weak and then died again. I dreamt that Cal's female friend asked me for permission to date him. Like WTF? Brain? What are you doing to me? Why? What did I ever do to you to deserve this?

I just want to be okay. Is that too much to ask? I was okay in the summer..........well...actually, if I admit it fully, I wasn't. I was trying very hard to be okay. Maybe my problem is that I was pushing away my vulnerability in the summertime, and now that I'm opening up to it again my brain is just having a field day and my emotions are spilling out in all sorts of ways and releasing all sorts of fears that I didn't know I was holding onto.

I kind of want to go to therapy but I'm embarrassed.

And on top of it all, now, the woman who is apparently my sister from my dad's side - we found out that she was hit by a car some years ago and now she's kind of like coming into our lives...she called my dad yesterday. AND SHE HAS TWO KIDS! What is this, now? All of a sudden I have another niece and nephew? I was unprepared.

I AM unprepared. It's too much. TOO MUCH!

I need to hide away. But even if I do, my brain doesn't shut up.

Maybe I am crazy.

thoughts about him...in no particular order

• his go-to snacks are gummy bears, twizzlers (the peel-apart kind),  and beef jerky strips
• he is extremely patient with kids
• he gets jalapenos on everything
• for a while he had a thing for toothpicks (to the point that I am occasionally stabbed by them in his bed) 
• he can take a lump of clay and create something amazing
• he's a perfectionist
• he can tell you the entire storyline of at least a dozen different video games and anime (probably three dozen or more)
• when I'm around him, he's not an energy drainer (fellow introverts will know what I mean)
• he's REALLY good in bed ;)
• he hates seeing puppies die (I mean duh, who wouldn't, but it really deeply bugs him - way more than it bugs me, and I love animals)
• i like how the hair on his forearms turns gold in the summertime (gah, could I be any more sappy or weird?)
• he's independent
• i'm pretty sure his favorite color is blue, even if he doesn't realize it himself (blue bike rims, blue bluetooth speaker, blue walls, (painted one red and then went and got blue paint to cover it up) but who knows? I could be wrong. 
•  he doesn't venture out from the known too often (always orders a steak burrito)
• he loves anything to do with Marvel and their superheroes (I'm more of a DC Comics)
• he's practical...to a fault
• he's really laid back and chill...
• although I do understand why people might want to argue with him - he's opinionated and NOT afraid to say so
• he likes to say I told you so (although not in as many words) 
• to be fair...he's usually right. 
• that's kind of annoying, lol
• he used to want to do cake decorating
• then he wanted to become a veterinarian
• he was a gymnast in school
• he used to randomly take his shoes off and walk barefoot
• come to think of it..............he still does that
• he's good at teaching things (very good at explaining)
• I'm going to stop now. 

My symptoms

• repeating things over and over in my brain (like a phrase) ...this has been a hidden thing since I was at least seven years old. 
• i used to hear angry voices inside my head that would fill up the inside of my head..I could literally hear them, shouting, couldn't make out words, couldn't hear them from the outside, via my ears..but it would get worse and worse until it felt like my head would explode
• a strange metallic feeling, as if I'm lying on a board, a metal board, but I only feel it inside my head: is accompanied by a weird detached feeling from my body
• being terrified of things and then doing them but trying not to do them and repeating this again and again nonstop inside my brain
• terrible anxiety before having to go and interact with anyone who isn't a family member *heart pounding, short of breath, upset stomach, mental freaking out over nothing at all* 
• rocking in my chair from side to side or back and forth when I'm tired
• fiddling with items nonstop 
• terrible fear of being rejected by people I care about and that they can't be bothered with me or that they won't want to be around me anymore and I tell myself that the person that they're hanging out with when they're not with me is a better person for them to be around and is better for them so why should they bother with me? To the point that I consider telling them to leave me alone and go be with the other person. I genuinely worry that someone else would be a better match for someone I care about than me. 
• afraid to try new things...or anything at all, because what would happen if I actually did it? Like if I went and booked a vacation? How could I go on it? I can picture myself doing it, but that's the most. If I booked it and went..how would I ....i can't do it. 
• feeling like I'm not intelligent, not pretty, my acne scars have started to bother me again, like I'm not good at anything, like if someone else is better at something than me, that it means that I'm less than and quite ignorant and worthless and how could I possibly not be up to their level? I must be so stupid. 
• I get stuck in my head and feel paralyzed like all I want to do is lie in bed and think and overthink and think about worst case scenarios that make me feel anxious and sad and hurt and unwanted...even though....when I logically look at the situation I realize that it is ALL IN MY HEAD, all my imagination, yet it doesn't stop me from thinking about it
• when I sometimes manage to convince myself that I'm making crap up, and sort of feel okay, my chest will still burn low key as if the worry is still there. 
• I space out and get distracted SO easily, even when I'm driving, I'll occasionally have near misses because I'm picturing something inside my head and seeing that instead of the road. Especially when I'm obsessing about something. 
• I procrastinate until the very last second with EVERYTHING and then get really anxious and freak out because I'm unprepared. 
• I feel bad because I'm not as successful as my peers. Because I'm not as motivated. Because I'm not as informed. Because even in my accomplishments, I can always see a way that I could have succeeded more thoroughly, or quicker, or better, or something like that. 
• even when I'm happy about something, there's an underlying current of sadness. I'll get a happy bubble in my chest, but just before it reaches the point of me realizing, oh, I'm happy! I realize it and it fizzles out just like that, and I can't be excited or truly happy. 
• I'm afraid to allow myself to be vulnerable or happy in relationships because I'm always trying to brace myself for something to go wrong, for me to be left, to be abandoned, to be unwanted...it's always felt like the moment I allow myself to be happy and enjoy something it gets ripped away. So I try not to. So that it won't hurt as bad when it gets ruined. So that if I'm not happy maybe life won't feel the need to knock me down a notch.

Why do I have to feel like this? Most of the time? And it's been a constant thing all my life, but it's gotten SO much worse since my mom died. 

I want to be happy. To feel fulfilled and loved and secure and confident and enjoy life. 

I really do. 

Mamma, I miss you. I don't understand how you're gone.

Right now it feels like everyone is annoyed with me. I'm probably imagining it, but it does feel that way. I'm needy. I hate being needy. You know how much I hated that. But I could really use one of your hugs right now. A two-sided one, complete with rocking side to side and everything.

I don't see why anyone would want to be bothered with me. I'm not amazing or anything. I don't even feel smart right now. And I don't want to base my worth on other's opinions of me, but then again this is so dumb because no one has belittled me or anything.

I'm just unsure of myself, and always think that someone else would be happier or better off with someone else in their life instead of me. Did I make you happy? I know I made you sad a lot. I'm so sorry for that. At least in the end you said I'd become kind. At least there's that.

I want to have a child soon.

I wish with all my heart that you could be there for that.

I'm glad that you made me babysit Elijah when I was 19 so that you could teach me how to care for a newborn baby. But still. I want to be able to ask you pregnancy questions and watch you hold your biological grandchild in your arms.

I just want to be loved. And I'm afraid of losing anyone again.

And I have no way of guaranteeing that won't happen...and it scares me. How did you do it?

I'm sorry I haven't visited in a while. It's painful. But you're always welcome to visit me. I love you.

My problem with writing

My problem with writing is this: I don't want to face the rawness that accompanies it.

I'm talking specifically about my novel...(I have no legitimate excuse besides distractions and laziness when it comes to my science blog).

I'm tackling topics that are hitting so close to home and are so raw that they make my chest ache just by reading over the last few lines. I'm not ready. It's hard.

It's really, really hard. And I also associate the story too much with my mom, because I told her the storyline when we were at the last cancer survivors event that she ever went to.

She loved it.

But that makes it harder.

I'm going to stop talking about this now because I was having a good day and I think I'm just going to have to admit to myself that even though it's raining and it would be an amazing day to spend writing...I just can't do it yet.

That sucks.

this goes a little off topic

This is what I was meaning to post about last time.

The other day I was out, sitting in the car, doing postmates, and I saw a couple walk past.

What really began to bug me is that it struck me as WRONG. Like, I looked at them, a perfectly normal heterosexual couple, and I thought to myself, "they must be sinning."

What kind of BS crap is that? For all I know, they could have been married. On their way to pick up their toddler from the babysitter.

But it got me thinking, that somehow, throughout all my years of growing up, I've been conditioned to think that boyfriends are bad, and illegal and sinful, and that therefore, relationships will somehow get you to hell.

Dunno really how you're supposed to get married, then. But it's like, you should be in the church, and then God will somehow tell someone, hey, you're supposed to marry her, and then poof. Y'all are engaged. And you don't touch them in any shape, fashion or form until the wedding night.

Maybe that is the way it's supposed to work. Seems kinda....controlling though. Like I was in a church service a few months back, and the preacher told two people that they were supposed to be married. Eh. Maybe they are. Who knows? But the thing is, you see people who have gotten married, and they've been dating for two, three, four, ten years.

Now, I'm not saying you should be going and having sex before marriage, cause I'm still pretty sure that's wrong. Even though I'm SO guilty. But it would reasonably be better not to do that, because if you break up, at least you wouldn't be comparing your next partner to them sexually, and at least it would reduce the risk of a lot of diseases.

At one point I would also have said you'd be less emotionally attached, but I know better now. That's SO NOT true. The pseudo-relationship that destroyed me the most lasted for 7 months and there was no sex of any kind involved there..it was even long distance. It wasn't even an official relationship. So that's not the case.

But my point is, I hate the fact that I feel as if I'm sinning even if I'm NOT doing anything wrong. Like, honestly, I feel as though I'd never have the guts to tell my dad I have a boyfriend, or that I'm interested in someone...and it's funny. You'd think that with it being someone I've known for practically ten years, that would make it better. *scoffs* A few years ago, I told my dad about a guy I was talking to who asked me out to dinner, and my dad wanted to know what his nationality was. As soon as I told him he was Haitian, he instantly said he didn't want me talking to anyone who was of that nationality, because their nation is involved in witchcraft.

Um, what?

I'm very tired of my dad being so biased. And I know my mom was too. I'm not sure where to draw the line between no compromises, and loving everyone. I guess the way that Jesus did it.

Right now I'm kind of mad at Jesus. Or God. Because of my mom. Maybe that's stupid. I did ask for them to take her because of all the pain she was in. This has gotten off track.

I'm just wondering, how can I have a healthy relationship if I feel as if everything I'm doing, even just having one, is WRONG? I'm 27 years old and I haven't actually had a boyfriend since I was 18. Since I was a freaking CHILD. How can I know what to do? How a relationship is supposed to work? How to deal with things? What about if there's a disagreement? I'm not the type of person to argue...I hate arguing and having grown up seeing my parents argue so much....

I remember being maybe four or five years old and hiding behind the bedroom door, praying to God that he would let my mom and dad stop arguing.

Didn't work.

They kept right on yelling at each other.

This sort of stuff makes me discouraged. It's like, there are no guarantees for anything. ANYTHING. Why should I put my life on hold because maybe there is a husband for me across the Atlantic Ocean? When there is someone here that I'd like to be with? And maybe there's not one soulmate for someone...don't we have free will?

There was a pastor that said that yes, we do, but if it doesn't align with God's will, then it counts for absolutely nothing. Like if you did a good thing, but didn't do what God told you to, then that good thing doesn't even get recorded, cause it wasn't "in the book" from the get-go.

So....how are you supposed to know God's plan for your life? Are you supposed to rely on a pastor telling you? How will you know if he's telling you the truth?

I've talked myself into a bummed out mood. That sucks. I'm going to go make myself some pancakes and hopefully I'll feel better.