Friday, February 17, 2017

what's wrong with me?

I keep telling myself it must be the hormones. It must be me starting a new birth control pill. Or maybe I'm just crazy. I don't know. Maybe it's grief showing yet another weird, ugly stage.

But here I am, sitting on the floor, having a meltdown in full on tears because my dad is going to be spending the night away from home. His job is sending him to Massachusetts for a night-time delivery, and it means he won't be back until tomorrow night.

I feel so alone.

It's stupid.

But if I can't even handle him going away for one night, how would I handle him working as a trucker and being away for several nights at a time? How would HE handle ME moving out? Wouldn't he feel utterly abandoned?

Why does it all have to be so hard? Why do we have to be so sad? Why do I have to cry?

Depression was one of the side effects of this new bc pill...but it hasn't even been a full week that I've been on it. Still, I think I'll take depression and being sad over being anxious and fretting and feeling like my heart is going to explode and that I'm going to be left and abandoned and replaced and all of that. That was NO FUN.

Am I depressed? Is it just me dealing with all the leftover emotional crap from my mom passing away? Why hasn't she come back to visit me? Maybe she's waiting for me to go visit her.

I feel so paralyzed. Like I can't do anything, or muster the willpower or courage to do any of the things I want to do.

I bought a book about how to overcome anxiety, and I started reading it yesterday. I really hope it helps. Writing seems to help, though, well, with this. If I'm anxious I usually write myself in a circle.

The book said I need to rediscover my goals, and acknowledge them, and use them to have something to work towards and focus on rather than trying to focus on getting rid of anxiety. Because the more you focus on something the stronger its effect on you is.

Problem is, I feel unsure about my goals now. I know I wanted to publish my book (gotta finish it first), I know I wanted to have my science blog and my drawings and tutor...but it's like all I can do is lie in bed and think. It used to be all I could do was lie in bed and fret. Now the fretting isn't there as much, but I have this major brain fog, where even when I'm reading something it feels like it isn't really sinking in. As if I'm distracted and focusing on something else...some other underlying thoughts.

And I think Cal might be on my mind way too much for my own good. That can't be healthy. Maybe it's because I'm home too much and so there isn't anything else for me to think about.

I probably have some form of OCD. I obsess way too much about things. Anything. In general. I think too much. I wish I could turn off my brain for just an hour. Even when I sleep, I don't get rest, because I'm dreaming about things...things that have been bothering me or things that I'm afraid of...they happen in my dreams.

Like I dreamt that I got dumped. I dreamt that my mom came back to life but was sick and weak and then died again. I dreamt that Cal's female friend asked me for permission to date him. Like WTF? Brain? What are you doing to me? Why? What did I ever do to you to deserve this?

I just want to be okay. Is that too much to ask? I was okay in the summer..........well...actually, if I admit it fully, I wasn't. I was trying very hard to be okay. Maybe my problem is that I was pushing away my vulnerability in the summertime, and now that I'm opening up to it again my brain is just having a field day and my emotions are spilling out in all sorts of ways and releasing all sorts of fears that I didn't know I was holding onto.

I kind of want to go to therapy but I'm embarrassed.

And on top of it all, now, the woman who is apparently my sister from my dad's side - we found out that she was hit by a car some years ago and now she's kind of like coming into our lives...she called my dad yesterday. AND SHE HAS TWO KIDS! What is this, now? All of a sudden I have another niece and nephew? I was unprepared.

I AM unprepared. It's too much. TOO MUCH!

I need to hide away. But even if I do, my brain doesn't shut up.

Maybe I am crazy.

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