Mamma, I miss you. I don't understand how you're gone.

Right now it feels like everyone is annoyed with me. I'm probably imagining it, but it does feel that way. I'm needy. I hate being needy. You know how much I hated that. But I could really use one of your hugs right now. A two-sided one, complete with rocking side to side and everything.

I don't see why anyone would want to be bothered with me. I'm not amazing or anything. I don't even feel smart right now. And I don't want to base my worth on other's opinions of me, but then again this is so dumb because no one has belittled me or anything.

I'm just unsure of myself, and always think that someone else would be happier or better off with someone else in their life instead of me. Did I make you happy? I know I made you sad a lot. I'm so sorry for that. At least in the end you said I'd become kind. At least there's that.

I want to have a child soon.

I wish with all my heart that you could be there for that.

I'm glad that you made me babysit Elijah when I was 19 so that you could teach me how to care for a newborn baby. But still. I want to be able to ask you pregnancy questions and watch you hold your biological grandchild in your arms.

I just want to be loved. And I'm afraid of losing anyone again.

And I have no way of guaranteeing that won't happen...and it scares me. How did you do it?

I'm sorry I haven't visited in a while. It's painful. But you're always welcome to visit me. I love you.