My symptoms

• repeating things over and over in my brain (like a phrase) ...this has been a hidden thing since I was at least seven years old. 
• i used to hear angry voices inside my head that would fill up the inside of my head..I could literally hear them, shouting, couldn't make out words, couldn't hear them from the outside, via my ears..but it would get worse and worse until it felt like my head would explode
• a strange metallic feeling, as if I'm lying on a board, a metal board, but I only feel it inside my head: is accompanied by a weird detached feeling from my body
• being terrified of things and then doing them but trying not to do them and repeating this again and again nonstop inside my brain
• terrible anxiety before having to go and interact with anyone who isn't a family member *heart pounding, short of breath, upset stomach, mental freaking out over nothing at all* 
• rocking in my chair from side to side or back and forth when I'm tired
• fiddling with items nonstop 
• terrible fear of being rejected by people I care about and that they can't be bothered with me or that they won't want to be around me anymore and I tell myself that the person that they're hanging out with when they're not with me is a better person for them to be around and is better for them so why should they bother with me? To the point that I consider telling them to leave me alone and go be with the other person. I genuinely worry that someone else would be a better match for someone I care about than me. 
• afraid to try new things...or anything at all, because what would happen if I actually did it? Like if I went and booked a vacation? How could I go on it? I can picture myself doing it, but that's the most. If I booked it and went..how would I ....i can't do it. 
• feeling like I'm not intelligent, not pretty, my acne scars have started to bother me again, like I'm not good at anything, like if someone else is better at something than me, that it means that I'm less than and quite ignorant and worthless and how could I possibly not be up to their level? I must be so stupid. 
• I get stuck in my head and feel paralyzed like all I want to do is lie in bed and think and overthink and think about worst case scenarios that make me feel anxious and sad and hurt and unwanted...even though....when I logically look at the situation I realize that it is ALL IN MY HEAD, all my imagination, yet it doesn't stop me from thinking about it
• when I sometimes manage to convince myself that I'm making crap up, and sort of feel okay, my chest will still burn low key as if the worry is still there. 
• I space out and get distracted SO easily, even when I'm driving, I'll occasionally have near misses because I'm picturing something inside my head and seeing that instead of the road. Especially when I'm obsessing about something. 
• I procrastinate until the very last second with EVERYTHING and then get really anxious and freak out because I'm unprepared. 
• I feel bad because I'm not as successful as my peers. Because I'm not as motivated. Because I'm not as informed. Because even in my accomplishments, I can always see a way that I could have succeeded more thoroughly, or quicker, or better, or something like that. 
• even when I'm happy about something, there's an underlying current of sadness. I'll get a happy bubble in my chest, but just before it reaches the point of me realizing, oh, I'm happy! I realize it and it fizzles out just like that, and I can't be excited or truly happy. 
• I'm afraid to allow myself to be vulnerable or happy in relationships because I'm always trying to brace myself for something to go wrong, for me to be left, to be abandoned, to be unwanted...it's always felt like the moment I allow myself to be happy and enjoy something it gets ripped away. So I try not to. So that it won't hurt as bad when it gets ruined. So that if I'm not happy maybe life won't feel the need to knock me down a notch.

Why do I have to feel like this? Most of the time? And it's been a constant thing all my life, but it's gotten SO much worse since my mom died. 

I want to be happy. To feel fulfilled and loved and secure and confident and enjoy life. 

I really do.