Nervous

 So you know the drill, I usually write when my mind is too full and I'm stressed somehow. 

I've got a presentation coming up at a science research conference, and I feel utterly underprepared and like...just terrified of speaking in front of people. I keep telling myself it'll just be like improv, I'll go and talk and it'll be over with and it'll be a learning experience, but that's not helping. 

I'm anxious because I have to travel for it. It's in Virginia, and I'll be spending four days in a hotel and even though the presentation is literally 30 minutes out of 4 days...it feels like that's all I can think about. 

I'm anxious because I'm 29 weeks pregnant (I'll be 30 weeks on the day of the presentation) and I get out of breath easily - and I worry that I'll sound gaspy or raspy or that it'll make my presentation look bad. 

I worry that because my presentation is about the website that I run, that I'm not talking about anything important, it's basically just an advertisement, and I don't like that. 

I worry about leaving my cats here and them running out of water because my sister in law adopted a cat off the street and I think she doesn't give him water...because he comes upstairs several times a day to drink the water from our cats' dispenser. 

So I'm writing this post to do an exercise from CBT that my therapist taught me...you write what the worst case scenario is that you're worried about, and then you work your way down from 1000 to like, 50 in terms of anxiety. 

So. It feels like it's all I can think about and like it's the entire weekend. But really, it's 30 minutes, and I don't have to use up all of the time. 

I feel unprepared, like I won't have enough to say, or will forget what I'm supposed to say. But I have a speaking outline. I have a powerpoint presentation. And I'm not going to use notecards - that was a huge thing that was making this more difficult.

I'm worried about being short of breath during the presentation. But I've decided I'll let them know I'm pregnant from the start, and to expect that that might happen. I'm also going to build into my presentation notes times when I should pause and breathe. I'm also prepared to catch myself tensing up and I will relax my shoulders, hold onto the podium, and breathe. 

I'm worrying that my presentation isn't worthwhile enough, that the attendees won't get anything out of it. But I'm in complete control of what I say and what I offer them. They're going to be finding out about The Link, which is a resource for them to learn actionable tips to do better scicomm. They're going to be finding out that they can get experience creating content, and hopefully they'll feel inspired that they can contribute to making the science communication space a more diverse place. 

I feel a bit better now. 

I'm worried about the cats having enough water, but I'm going to block off the staircase so the other cat can't come upstairs while we're gone. 

I have an outfit planned out for the presentation, and I know what to expect that the environment will be like. 

I know that I should dress business professional, that it'll be 76 degrees that day, that there will be a podium with a mic and I can have my notes and my powerpoint on google drive, and that I should get to the room 15 minutes early. 

It's less than an hour out of the entire weekend. I've got this. It's less than one hour out of my entire life. 

When I'm done with it, I can completely focus on just grading (catching up with grading, technically) since I've been teaching a class this semester (oh yeah, I'm never doing that again), and prepping for maternity leave. 

We're at the finish line, now. 

I can do this.