epiphany?

I think I may have come to a realization, after reading a psych article online about how people's childhood experiences can shape their perception of themselves in the future.

When I talk to others, I've always said my parents were so supportive of me growing up. Or I've told myself that (even though I've always complained about not being allowed to do stuff.) But underneath it all, I always told myself they were great parents (which they were) and that they wanted what's best for me. And they tried to do that. But it seems like...this was how:

Growing up, I wanted to do gymnastics, ballet, and figure skating. I wanted piano lessons. I begged to be signed up for them. We couldn't afford any of those. My mother did try to have an older lady from the church teach me to play the piano, but that lady refused to let me learn at my own pace, which was actually very quick, and that ended almost as soon as it began. When my grandfather gave us money to buy me ice skates, it was spent on ski boots instead (I had no skis) which I wore as regular winter snow boots, and I got made fun of by people everywhere I went for that. When I was around nineteen or twenty years old, my father told me he'd always wished I could be like the little girl who currently lived across the street, athletic and pretty and active, but that I'd shown no interest in that.

REALLY?

When I spent years studying biology and struggling in chemistry with the hopes of one day becoming a neurosurgeon, my father suggested I become a reporter. I didn't like that idea. When I finally settled on science journalism as my career, he said "You see? And I told you to be a reporter all those years ago." He said he never thought I had it in me to be a doctor. A pilot, yes. Something technical like that, he knew I could manage, he said. But not a doctor.

When I wanted to be in a relationship (that I'm currently in) with someone I've known for yeeaarrrss, my father told me they're not for me, told me that God has told him my husband is really in Norway, and told me that I have my heart in a cage and I'm "going to cry when I find out about his secret life."
That's made me question every single aspect of everything with this relationship and even when it's going well, I worry about something horrible possibly popping up in the future or what if I'm setting myself up for heartbreak?

When I had the opportunity to get a piano for free (something we were never able to afford) from a website called freecycle.org, my father said 1. it was probably broken, and 2. it was probably terribly out of tune and if we hired someone to tune it they would probably break the strings and it would be no good. I pushed ahead and got it anyway, and there was nothing wrong with it. We got many years out of it and I was able to actually start getting piano lessons.

My father tends to blame circumstances and other people instead of taking the initiative himself. When he's had ideas for inventions, ever since I was a child, he would rely on me to jumpstart getting the process done. Ideas for a movie, I should write the screenplay for him. I should find out who to contact. I should do all the work. I DON'T KNOW HOW! What if he didn't have me? Who would he blame for lack of success then? He blames his family members for a whole lot of things to do with his lack of success. And maybe he's justified. But for me, I didn't see those experiences. I just grew up seeing him question and dismiss everything before even giving it a chance. And I think that has caused me to be insecure. In a lot of different ways. When I do want to give things a chance, I get told no, it won't work out.

It's gotten to where now, when I'm working on projects or doing things, I don't tell him. When I want to do something new or go somewhere or there's something I like, I don't tell him. Why? Because I'm afraid it'll be shot down. That I'll be told it's sinful, somehow, or wrong. Or just a bad idea. Or that if I do it, I should do it with the purpose of making money, not for fun. That sucks all the joy out of a project. Then, because he doesn't know what I'm doing, I get told that I'm not measuring up, that I'm becoming worthless, and that I don't do what I'm supposed to.

I've expressed before how because of my father's fixation on Christianity and end time events, I grew up terrified that I was sinning and would go to hell. I used to cry myself to sleep being afraid of that. That the rapture would happen and I'd be left behind, a ten year old girl, for having disobeyed her mother.

Maybe that's the root of my insecurity. Maybe. Maybe that really is it.

I know my dad only wants what's best for me. But now I feel like I'm incapable of doing things. I literally just get afraid of actually trying. When I sit down to write my novel, I feel guilty that I'm not writing the screen play for my dad's movie idea.

When I think about moving out, I think to myself that I can't, because how would my dad buy a house without me?

I was shocked, a few months ago, when my father said something to me. Something good. Something like praise. My god-sister, a 19 year old girl who we baby sat since she was six years old, told us she was getting married. (She was still 18 at the time.) I sent her a long text, encouraging her to stay in it for the long haul, explaining that you can't just call it quits when times get tough or you find out something new you don't like about the person. It's a commitment. I read the text to my father, and he said something along the lines of that he didn't know I was capable of thinking like that, and now he knows he doesn't have to worry about me anymore.

Maybe he has no idea what he's doing. Maybe adulthood is just an illusion, a shadow cast over smaller humans to make them subservient.

I just have to remember that it's all a learning process, non-stop. Everything. And if something doesn't work out, well, figure out what went wrong and try differently next time. Eventually I'll figure it out, and if I don't, well, at least I'll figure SOMETHING out before I die.