Correction

I said something in a recent post that I regret. I take it back.

My mother is dying, but now I can't bear to be away from her. It breaks my heart to see her like this. A skeleton with skin on. Barely able to speak at more than a whisper. I need for her to be okay, to be the mom I remember who is full of life and vitality. I'm sitting by her bedside now, and I'm constantly checking to make sure she's still breathing. I suppose if she stops I'll try to wake her, but I won't try to have them revive her. At this point, that would be cruel.

When she's not drugged, she's in so much pain.

Why? I mean, I know we all have to go sometime, I guess it'll be my turn one day. But I hope it's fast for me. But she's only 56 years old. I don't even have kids yet for her to dote on them and let them get away with everything. Who is going to be my matron of honor at my wedding (if I ever get married)?

At least she saw me graduate. I really wanted that. And we've lived in a house. And I haven't moved out...she didn't want me to, and at least I'm here.

There are some people who still have faith. That she'll recover, I mean. And I guess...Lazarus died, and THEN Jesus brought him back. But...I don't know. I was so sure. I thought Jesus was going to heal her. I thought we could beat this thing with raw vegetables and supplements.

She has so much undone. That I know she wants to do.

I can't picture myself without a mother. I'd feel like an orphan. And that's probably stupid because I'm 27 years old, but that's what it feels like.

My brother finally came to visit today. It made her so happy. I was happy too.

I've had a theory: that she has been holding on to get to see him again. I dunno.

It felt a little strange to have the whole family together again under one roof, just us four. Like when I was little.  I wish it was under better circumstances.

I'm afraid it's my fault. I know that's a dangerous path to go down, but I can't help but wonder if my begging her to try radiation and chemo have contributed to this coming back with such a vengeance. And just...she was in so much pain for months from the radiation. It's all so hard.

Just checked again. Still breathing.

I found Family Radio on my computer and have it on in the background for her. It sounds like old times, and it comforts me too. I've missed it.

She sleeps with her eyes half open now. Her mouth hangs open as well. It's so hard to look at, yet I can barely tear my eyes away. Every moment with her is precious. If I'm away, there's a burning in my chest, like an ache that won't stop.

I don't know what it's going to be like, losing her. But I just hope that I've lived up to her expectations and made her proud. I love her so much. So, so much. No one can ever replace her.

She's my mom.