She's gone.

It's been ten days, but for me it feels like two days and ten years. At the same time.

I couldn't eat that first day. Or the next. I also didn't know I was capable of breaking down and screaming on the floor...so that it took three people to drag me up. That happened when the funeral parlor minions came to remove her body.

I didn't sleep that night either. I slipped in and out of consciousness, but I was constantly hyper aware of everything around me. Calvin spent the night, and if he wasn't holding me it felt like my rib cage was falling apart.

I held her hand while it happened. I'd wanted that. I didn't want her to die alone, and I didn't want to not be there by her side. Now I can't believe she's gone.

How can she not be here? She must be at the hospital. Or spending the night at someone's house. She must still be alive somewhere. She can't be dead. Nope. Not possible.

I'm going to wake up one day, and she'll be standing outside my bedroom door asking me why my alarm has been going off for so long and am I going to go to work today?

I keep waiting for that.

Now I'm at a loss, because I'm so bloody needy, and I didn't want to be, but I'm vulnerable and it's not good.

It's like I always need someone to sit next to me so I can lean on them because just having a warm body next to me is comforting. But at the same time there's only two people that I actually want to lean on: my brother and Calvin.

I guess it wasn't real. Everything must have been a dream. All I'm getting is hugs from people I don't really want to be around. I'd rather just have my dad and my brother and it bugs me that I don't feel truly comfortable or at ease unless Calvin is around.

Where do I go from here?

My heart hurts.