tough days

Maybe I should be stronger.
I don't think I am. I don't think I'm strong enough.

Most days, it's all I can do to keep going...to put one foot in front of the other.

A lot of days, I don't even want to get out of bed.

But there's no escaping it...it's there whether I'm in bed or out, at school or at work, crying or trying to pull myself together.

My mom has cancer.

It's not something I could have ever pictured. Not in my worst nightmares.

Just...why?

I know people say "why" all the time, and they tell stories twenty years down the road about how they asked why, and God told them "why not?"

Well I don't want to know why not.
I want to know WHY. Why is it taking so long? Why does it hurt so bad? Why everything at once?

Just why?

I always want to know why. Did I do something to deserve this? If I did, I want to know what, so that I can have some measure of consolation. Some understanding. Insight.

I hate not understanding things.

I hate being stressed.

I hate being alone.

I hate the fact that I hate being alone.

I hate organic chemistry.

I hate cancer.

Some days I hate myself.

And then I hate myself for hating myself, because that means that I'm weak and needy and insecure.

It's a vicious cycle.

When I was younger I had a video cassette called The Feel Better Friends. It was a bunch of sing-along songs that my cousins bought me when I had the flu, to cheer me up. There's a song on there that talks about the weather being cloudy outside, but how it can still be sunny on the inside of you.

I'm finding that the opposite is true, too.

It can be a bright, sunny, warm day outside, and the inside of me can be as cold and numb and dead as winter.

I think I'm going to have to start lying about how I feel. Nobody's going to want to be around somebody who is bummed all the time and only talks about their problems. Why should I bring anyone else down with me?

Because misery loves company, that's why.

But I won't do that. I have to pretend to be strong. What was it my journalism professor said? Fake it till you make it. I don't know if I'll make it, but watch how good I'll fake it. That last bit was from a Hot Chelle Rae song....

I got off the phone with my mom a little while ago and she was admonishing me to make sure I make use of all the available resources for chemistry tutoring while I'm on campus.

Then she made me promise her that I'll try my hardest.

The problem is, I've lost all will to care. I mean, now I have to try, because I promised her, but I have three goddang F's in a row, already. Today was the last day of class, and I have an F on each and every midterm we took this semester.

What's the point of trying?

I mean, maybe I'll have enough points in the class to get a D, which is all I need, but really, how can that happen with three F's?

And that was the only class I needed to graduate.

Granted, it looks like I'll be getting A's in my journalism classes, but I'm SO tired of trying with chemistry. I don't understand it. And the stupid teachers want us stupid students to teach our stupid selves and each other, and the stupid students, all they do is memorize crap. And when I ask them WHY something has to be done a certain way, they can't tell me.

Go to the professor, and he sympathizes with my situation and then tells me that he won't give me extra help. So why the fck would you talk about coming to office hours? What office hours?

I hate him. I hate all of this.

I think I hate everything right now.

Maybe I'm depressed. Who cares?
I don't.