Merry belated Christmas. Happy almost New Year.
It's that weird in-between time when all the Christmas decor goes on sale and the stores put out flower displays and start promoting spring, but you're still bundling up in your winter coat and the cold spells have just barely begun.
That was a really long sentence. It was meant to sound poetic.
But seriously, that's how it feels.
Christmas was an uneventful affair...I spent the Eve with Cal and the actual Day with my dad. I think we watched Netflix. Then my dad fell asleep and I picked up Chiara so we could watch the Doctor Who christmas special together (literally the entire reason I purchased cable for the TV).
We didn't go to visit Mommy. I think it would have been too much. I hope she understands.
I got a onesie with feet for christmas (yay!) and a package of blank canvases to draw on. I also got a really amazing mug with the letter E on it.
It's the 28th today. I was out working with Cal and when we were done, he put a location in the GPS and set it to start, saying "it's a place I've been wanting to check out."
I didn't ask questions because, well, that's kind of how we roll. It's not like he's going to take me someplace ridiculous...I dunno. There's a lot of "do what you want" and "meh, okay, no biggie" in how we interact. I guess the way people who have been friends for nearly a decade act (summer 2017 will make ten years) kind of sums us up.
Well. I assumed it was going to be a restaurant because I had been talking about food...but guess where we ended up? Canarsie....at a lawyer's firm that was COMPLETELY decked out in Christmas lights and decorations and moving figures and just..so...cool!
Not what I expected at all. And we literally had to drive a good half hour out of our way, deeper into Brooklyn, to get there. What's really nice though, is that in my own mind, I had been wanting to find a house like that to look at. My mom and dad and brother and I used to go and look at a house that was decked out in Christmas decor when I was very small, and I remember it.
That's the way Cal is. Random nice things, when you least expect it. Like showing up at my job with a box of Oreo cookies on my lunch break. Or bringing me lunch when I was really sick, with cayenne pepper added to it because I had mentioned that I knew cayenne was good for colds. Showing up on my doorstep with Dunkin Donuts breakfast before work one morning. And this.
It might be kind of silly, and it's also NOT what I started this blog post intending to write about, but wow, I'm realizing that that meant a lot. Not because like, aw, it was a romantic thing. Nah. Not like that. It was really sweet, but it's more like, wow, I really wanted to see a house like that, and I got to see one. Memories...old memories, with new ones added now. I can feel that that's going to make this Christmas be one that actually stands out in my memory, and there are very few that do that.
There's the year when I got the Tina doll toy set that I had wanted, and my brother got a soccer ball, there's the year we were decorating the tree and Simba (my kitten) was walking around underneath it..my dad had borrowed my uncle's huge over-the-shoulder video camera that year. Then there's 2006, when my dad, mom and I found our way to Rockefeller center on Christmas Day, and looked at the tree, and Carol of the Bells by the Trans Siberian Orchestra played deafeningly loud throughout the streets...and it was like you could feel it in your bones.
Honestly...those are the only three that stand out as true memories.
This has ended up being a really nice blog post, and I want to keep it that way. It's nice. For the first time in a long time, I feel content.
=)
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
Thursday, December 8, 2016
New Years Resolutions
1. Cut out dairy to get clear skin
2. get on and stay on a schedule for being productive
3. finish my novel
4. become financially stable.
2. get on and stay on a schedule for being productive
3. finish my novel
4. become financially stable.
2016 in Review
January - We had a blizzard and I got a lot of cats
February - I turned 27
March - My mom died, end of month got into a relationship
April - a blur
May - a blur
June - I got out of a job that I hated, that relationship ended
July - weirdness...packing
August - moving
September - a lot of working, started talking to Cody again
October - reconnected with Cody, found out that wouldn't work, got back into the first relationship after a whole lot of talking... :)
November - thanksgiving at Khrys' house, launched thenerdystuff blog
December - TBD.
February - I turned 27
March - My mom died, end of month got into a relationship
April - a blur
May - a blur
June - I got out of a job that I hated, that relationship ended
July - weirdness...packing
August - moving
September - a lot of working, started talking to Cody again
October - reconnected with Cody, found out that wouldn't work, got back into the first relationship after a whole lot of talking... :)
November - thanksgiving at Khrys' house, launched thenerdystuff blog
December - TBD.
Saturday, November 19, 2016
I just needed to blog
I'm okay. I really am...just sometimes I'm not. Mainly...well, always when I'm not okay it's about my mom. I'm missing her a lot more now, especially with the holidays coming up. Nia took me out shopping for Christmas decorations on Thursday, which was amazing of her. (It's the friends like those that are the life-long ones). She did it to cheer me up and make me feel that I didn't have to be alone in the decorating and stuff.
I wonder what's going to happen for Thanksgiving. If my dad and I will go anywhere.
Besides that....can I go "goofy" for a moment?
Cal held my hand.
(AAAHHHHH)
Sorry. Had to get that out there, lol. I don't know if I've mentioned it on here before, but hand holding has always been a really big deal for me. An even bigger deal than sex. Like, to the point where I could feel comfortable enough to have sex with someone but not feel comfortable enough to hold their hand.
Sounds dumb, backwards even, I know, but let me explain. Sex has been devalued. It's a casual pleasure thing for most people. One night stands and all that. But you're not going to hold someone's hand unless you really care about them. It implies affection. Well. In my mind, anyway. And you'll see casual strangers screwing each other, but you don't see them walking around holding hands, lol. Or lying in bed watching Doctor Who and holding hands.
So.
^_^
Lol.
I like the way this is going.
OH! Also...this convo happened.
Cal: I want you to have my kids.
Me: That's the moment talking.
Cal: It's not. I told you, I've thought about this.
And this one, about a month later:
Me: Are you really actually serious about wanting kids?
Cal: (quiet for a moment) I would like to...
Me: You do realize that means you'd be stuck with me for at least the next eighteen years, right?
Cal: Hah! Yes. I am aware of that.
I have to admit, after that convo, the idea started to grow on me. But the timing isn't right, not yet, anyway. I'm also starting on birth control this Sunday. Ah. That's tomorrow. Wow. A little nervous about that....I've never been on it before. But I need to be responsible.
So many changes, all at once.
In my life, I mean. And figuring out who I am and what matters to me. A lot of stuff that I thought was "supposed to" matter, I'm realizing doesn't. But after all, it's my life, and I have to answer for myself and live with whatever I'm comfortable with. Not my parents' life.
I mean, that stuff (like sex before marriage) probably IS supposed to matter.
Sigh.
I have a question. Why does my doctor (and other people) say that you should always wear a condom to protect against STI's...when you've already NOT done that, been tested, are in a monogamous relationship, and have no diseases? Doesn't that mean your partner also has no diseases? Granted, any one could go and cheat at any time and bring back ickyness, but what about in marriage? Should you be wearing one then? Just in case your husband decides to cheat?
I don't see what the point is of using one if you're on birth control. Well....unless the birth control doesn't work because you miss a day or two...but I've set an alarm. Anyway. What I mean is, if everything is on point, then why?
Eh. There's probably a really good reason and I'm just being naive.
I also got a new mug....(drastic topic change, I know) that's the mostest gorgeousest thing out there...it's white and it says "too much MONDAY, not enough COFFEE" in gold lettering. Ahhh. It's lovely.
I have this urge to work today, because I know I need more money. My dad loaned me a couple hundred so that I could pay the internet and my car loan. Sigh. He says I need to pay him back by next year, but of course I want to do it WAY before that.
I've GOT to get a reliable source of income. Wait. I have one. I just need to make use of it.
It's been good to blog again, and with good news, not just all sad, angsty stuff.
I've missed it.
I wonder what's going to happen for Thanksgiving. If my dad and I will go anywhere.
Besides that....can I go "goofy" for a moment?
Cal held my hand.
(AAAHHHHH)
Sorry. Had to get that out there, lol. I don't know if I've mentioned it on here before, but hand holding has always been a really big deal for me. An even bigger deal than sex. Like, to the point where I could feel comfortable enough to have sex with someone but not feel comfortable enough to hold their hand.
Sounds dumb, backwards even, I know, but let me explain. Sex has been devalued. It's a casual pleasure thing for most people. One night stands and all that. But you're not going to hold someone's hand unless you really care about them. It implies affection. Well. In my mind, anyway. And you'll see casual strangers screwing each other, but you don't see them walking around holding hands, lol. Or lying in bed watching Doctor Who and holding hands.
So.
^_^
Lol.
I like the way this is going.
OH! Also...this convo happened.
Cal: I want you to have my kids.
Me: That's the moment talking.
Cal: It's not. I told you, I've thought about this.
And this one, about a month later:
Me: Are you really actually serious about wanting kids?
Cal: (quiet for a moment) I would like to...
Me: You do realize that means you'd be stuck with me for at least the next eighteen years, right?
Cal: Hah! Yes. I am aware of that.
I have to admit, after that convo, the idea started to grow on me. But the timing isn't right, not yet, anyway. I'm also starting on birth control this Sunday. Ah. That's tomorrow. Wow. A little nervous about that....I've never been on it before. But I need to be responsible.
So many changes, all at once.
In my life, I mean. And figuring out who I am and what matters to me. A lot of stuff that I thought was "supposed to" matter, I'm realizing doesn't. But after all, it's my life, and I have to answer for myself and live with whatever I'm comfortable with. Not my parents' life.
I mean, that stuff (like sex before marriage) probably IS supposed to matter.
Sigh.
I have a question. Why does my doctor (and other people) say that you should always wear a condom to protect against STI's...when you've already NOT done that, been tested, are in a monogamous relationship, and have no diseases? Doesn't that mean your partner also has no diseases? Granted, any one could go and cheat at any time and bring back ickyness, but what about in marriage? Should you be wearing one then? Just in case your husband decides to cheat?
I don't see what the point is of using one if you're on birth control. Well....unless the birth control doesn't work because you miss a day or two...but I've set an alarm. Anyway. What I mean is, if everything is on point, then why?
Eh. There's probably a really good reason and I'm just being naive.
I also got a new mug....(drastic topic change, I know) that's the mostest gorgeousest thing out there...it's white and it says "too much MONDAY, not enough COFFEE" in gold lettering. Ahhh. It's lovely.
I have this urge to work today, because I know I need more money. My dad loaned me a couple hundred so that I could pay the internet and my car loan. Sigh. He says I need to pay him back by next year, but of course I want to do it WAY before that.
I've GOT to get a reliable source of income. Wait. I have one. I just need to make use of it.
It's been good to blog again, and with good news, not just all sad, angsty stuff.
I've missed it.
Saturday, November 5, 2016
I think I may be stretching myself too thin.
Tutoring.
Website launch (in ten days!!)
Postmates/uber.
Gallery.
That's it. That's all I'm doing. But I have a habit of panicking and thinking that I don't have enough time in a day to accomplish everything I need to, when that's SO not true.
I'm also worried about my finances for this month. And I'm hungry. But that's neither here nor there, except for the fact that the internet bill is two months overdue and I only have about $150 left in my account.
Okay. Time to take a step back and figure out what we want.
I want to be self sufficient. I also want to not need to tutor. Why? Um.......because it stresses me? But wouldn't everything stress me? Yes. So never mind that. Keep tutoring.
If I go out every evening that I don't have tutoring and do postmates and uber from say, seven pm to ten pm, it would help with the income.
What am I worried and nervous and fretting about? Starting my life, basically. I mean, I'm already living my life, but...two of my high school friends just had babies, and my childhood best friend just got married. It makes me fret, a little bit, and feel kind of bad, because here I am having never been in a real relationship that's lasted longer than three months.
I don't know how to calculate the thing with Cal, because that lasted two months, wasn't on for three, and now is back on for about one. So...is it three months or do we just round it up to six months? When March 30th comes around next year will it be a year? Or does it start over from October? Eh. Who cares. But what I mean is that...I feel bad for not being like everyone else. I know that's dumb. So dumb. But it's a fact. And then I get sad that my mom will not be there to help me with a child when I do have one.
Lotta things going on in this head at one time.
Well. What do I want?
To be self sufficient, to have my own apartment (with or without a roommate), to be stylish (because yes, that stuff matters to me) and to be self-employed doing something I love, which would be science journalism and combining art with that.
These are the steps I must take to get there: I'm working on my website, and my tutoring will require maybe three-four hours of prep time during the week. See? That's not even much! I need real food, though. OH! And I also want to have a healthy lifestyle. Where I stay slim and trim, and actually eat healthy, home-cooked food. Mostly non-cooked, actually. Like smoothies (and coffee!) for breakfast, and then salads for lunch and soups and stuff for dinner. With the occasional good ol' jamaican meal every now and again. I will find a way.
It's in the small decisions each day, though, isn't it? Like what I decide to eat, what I decide to spend my time doing....and I need to also build in free time that doesn't get encroached on by anyone. This requires time budgeting and also monetary budgeting.
I need a fund that's like an adventure fund.
With disposable money for random going out and stuff.
Okay. Yay. There we go.
And once I'm on a financially stable flow (gotta find out what works that I can consistently pay my bills) then I can start saving for trips to travel around ze world.
Tutoring.
Website launch (in ten days!!)
Postmates/uber.
Gallery.
That's it. That's all I'm doing. But I have a habit of panicking and thinking that I don't have enough time in a day to accomplish everything I need to, when that's SO not true.
I'm also worried about my finances for this month. And I'm hungry. But that's neither here nor there, except for the fact that the internet bill is two months overdue and I only have about $150 left in my account.
Okay. Time to take a step back and figure out what we want.
I want to be self sufficient. I also want to not need to tutor. Why? Um.......because it stresses me? But wouldn't everything stress me? Yes. So never mind that. Keep tutoring.
If I go out every evening that I don't have tutoring and do postmates and uber from say, seven pm to ten pm, it would help with the income.
What am I worried and nervous and fretting about? Starting my life, basically. I mean, I'm already living my life, but...two of my high school friends just had babies, and my childhood best friend just got married. It makes me fret, a little bit, and feel kind of bad, because here I am having never been in a real relationship that's lasted longer than three months.
I don't know how to calculate the thing with Cal, because that lasted two months, wasn't on for three, and now is back on for about one. So...is it three months or do we just round it up to six months? When March 30th comes around next year will it be a year? Or does it start over from October? Eh. Who cares. But what I mean is that...I feel bad for not being like everyone else. I know that's dumb. So dumb. But it's a fact. And then I get sad that my mom will not be there to help me with a child when I do have one.
Lotta things going on in this head at one time.
Well. What do I want?
To be self sufficient, to have my own apartment (with or without a roommate), to be stylish (because yes, that stuff matters to me) and to be self-employed doing something I love, which would be science journalism and combining art with that.
These are the steps I must take to get there: I'm working on my website, and my tutoring will require maybe three-four hours of prep time during the week. See? That's not even much! I need real food, though. OH! And I also want to have a healthy lifestyle. Where I stay slim and trim, and actually eat healthy, home-cooked food. Mostly non-cooked, actually. Like smoothies (and coffee!) for breakfast, and then salads for lunch and soups and stuff for dinner. With the occasional good ol' jamaican meal every now and again. I will find a way.
It's in the small decisions each day, though, isn't it? Like what I decide to eat, what I decide to spend my time doing....and I need to also build in free time that doesn't get encroached on by anyone. This requires time budgeting and also monetary budgeting.
I need a fund that's like an adventure fund.
With disposable money for random going out and stuff.
Okay. Yay. There we go.
And once I'm on a financially stable flow (gotta find out what works that I can consistently pay my bills) then I can start saving for trips to travel around ze world.
Thursday, October 27, 2016
fifty random facts tag.
no one tagged me. i tag myself.
1.i'm mixed.
2.i don't have a favorite color anymore.
3.i love burgers. real burgers. not fake burgers. checkers has fake burgers.
4. i need mushrooms on like, everything.
5. i was homeschooled through the 5th grade. my mom taught me.
6. i have two cats.
7. i finally have waist length hair.
8. i'm a coffee addict.
9. i went through a punk rock/scene phase about three years too late.
10. i have a bunk bed that i don't use as a bunk bed.
11. i hate socks.
12. i love socks.
13. i love photography.
14. i photobomb random strangers on the street.
15. i'm an aquarius. No matter what the new zodiac says.
16. i heart reading. especially sci-fi.
17. i'm falling in love with anime. Uh-oh.
18. i have like ten different instagram accounts. i only use two.
19. i don't go on facebook. ew.
20. i can type 70 wpm.
21. i never read harry potter.
22. i will always love baked macaroni and cheese.
23. i can't stand long fingernails.
24. i haven't been on a plane since i was six years old.
25. i'm not that scared of spiders anymore.
26. my ears are stretched to 10mm.
27. i've had a total of 12 piercings and four tattoos.
28. i'm 5'10".
29. i have one brother, one niece, and one nephew.
30. i like drawing.
31. i've been playing the drums since i was 18.
32. i'm 27 now.
33. i'm from new york city.
34. i speak norwegian.
35. i hardly ever know original songs; only the cover versions i find on YouTube.
36. my favorite movies are Day After Tomorrow, Transformers, and The Sorcerer's Apprentice.
37. i can explain stuff really well through writing, but from my mouth, bleh.
38. i love fairy lights.
39. scented candles are life.
40. i used to work at a preschool as an admin assistant. i hated it.
41. i used to work in a different preschool as a teacher's assistant. i loved it.
42. every time i see a baby, i want kids.
43. every time i hear a baby cry, i swear i never want kids.
44. i used to ride a longboard to get around campus.
45. i've gone through so many different pen names.
46. if you want to impress me, text me and use proper grammar.
47. Eia is a combination of my initials. yes. i have two middle names.
48. i believe in Jesus.
49. i only straighten my hair once a year, in the fall.
50. if i'm interested in something, i will research the crap out of it. for weeks on end.
1.i'm mixed.
2.i don't have a favorite color anymore.
3.i love burgers. real burgers. not fake burgers. checkers has fake burgers.
4. i need mushrooms on like, everything.
5. i was homeschooled through the 5th grade. my mom taught me.
6. i have two cats.
7. i finally have waist length hair.
8. i'm a coffee addict.
9. i went through a punk rock/scene phase about three years too late.
10. i have a bunk bed that i don't use as a bunk bed.
11. i hate socks.
12. i love socks.
13. i love photography.
14. i photobomb random strangers on the street.
15. i'm an aquarius. No matter what the new zodiac says.
16. i heart reading. especially sci-fi.
17. i'm falling in love with anime. Uh-oh.
18. i have like ten different instagram accounts. i only use two.
19. i don't go on facebook. ew.
20. i can type 70 wpm.
21. i never read harry potter.
22. i will always love baked macaroni and cheese.
23. i can't stand long fingernails.
24. i haven't been on a plane since i was six years old.
25. i'm not that scared of spiders anymore.
26. my ears are stretched to 10mm.
27. i've had a total of 12 piercings and four tattoos.
28. i'm 5'10".
29. i have one brother, one niece, and one nephew.
30. i like drawing.
31. i've been playing the drums since i was 18.
32. i'm 27 now.
33. i'm from new york city.
34. i speak norwegian.
35. i hardly ever know original songs; only the cover versions i find on YouTube.
36. my favorite movies are Day After Tomorrow, Transformers, and The Sorcerer's Apprentice.
37. i can explain stuff really well through writing, but from my mouth, bleh.
38. i love fairy lights.
39. scented candles are life.
40. i used to work at a preschool as an admin assistant. i hated it.
41. i used to work in a different preschool as a teacher's assistant. i loved it.
42. every time i see a baby, i want kids.
43. every time i hear a baby cry, i swear i never want kids.
44. i used to ride a longboard to get around campus.
45. i've gone through so many different pen names.
46. if you want to impress me, text me and use proper grammar.
47. Eia is a combination of my initials. yes. i have two middle names.
48. i believe in Jesus.
49. i only straighten my hair once a year, in the fall.
50. if i'm interested in something, i will research the crap out of it. for weeks on end.
Sunday, October 9, 2016
I think I must be kind of pathetic
I'm becoming the person I never wanted to be.
Is it just me changing? Growing up? Or am I compromising too much? Or do I have no self control?
Anyway.
He came to visit for four days. And I've realized that there are deal breakers. I don't like how much he drinks. I don't like that he prefers to be high most of the time. I don't want to settle down yet.
I don't mean settle down in a relationship, I mean settle down in one part of the globe.
And also......Calvin wants to try again. Da fuq? Didn't see that coming. ANY TIME SOON. What's crazy though is that I'm so ready to jump back into that.
Only thing is...he doesn't want a title on it. Says a title doesn't really count for anything. (In response to my saying that a title is kind of like the only official guarantee you have) which I get, because yes, you can still cheat or still break up and still yada yada yada...even if you're married to someone.
All this stuff has been in my head and I haven't been able to sort it out until now...writing always helps.
He said that feelings for me grew (bigger) back when we were together, and then it was like nothing changed besides the physical part being removed, and that it used to be fun to resist me but now it's painful....and then there's the huge jump to saying he wants to get me pregnant which every part of me is like what the fudge, that's a huge leap, you don't even want a title but yet...wth?
What I'm trying to figure out is if I'm okay with the current arrangement.
Which is....we're "working on it" and seeing where it goes (he says he has a vision in his head but he hasn't said exactly what that is)
but the part that bugs me is...he would be okay with each of us dating someone else and then still having sex. The way that got brought up was weird...
I agree in one sense with no title because a title does tend to put pressure and expectations and take the fun out of exploring...and I feel like we rushed it the first time around.
I just...I don't necessarily need a guarantee like oh yes I want to marry you...because I have no idea if we would be compatible for that...it's like we've just admitted that we both are interested in each other what, six months ago? So it's like hey, take ten steps back and start from the beginning again. But I would like some sort of confirmation that he's not going to go on tinder and decide to talk to someone and then date them and be like so...I have sex with my best friend every once in a while, are you okay with that? (Literally a direct quote from him).
But then...what the heck is his vision? You don't sit there and want to have kids with someone..that's a lifelong commitment of like hey, we need to be involved in each other's lives forever...or at least for the next eighteen years.
And then, if we each did date someone else like in his weird potential scenario, wouldn't the connection between best friends who also sleep together who have a decade or more of history and solid friendship under the belt trump anything else? Anyway, I would never consider that as an option.
Although. What's weird is that had I gotten together with Cody and he had tried to "be a threat" I would probably have caved. What does that say?
Dunno.
Am I a bad person?
What does he even want? He likes hanging out with me and is also attracted to me physically. Same here. Eh. I've talked myself in a circle. But the "working on it" thing makes sense, because everything was so rushed before.
We are best friends who are exploring the possibility of what the mutual attraction could lead to....figuring it out. (isn't sex usually the last step in that?)
Anyway. Kids are a bad idea. For right now, at least. And I don't want to be pregnant out of wedlock. Eff that.
Is it just me changing? Growing up? Or am I compromising too much? Or do I have no self control?
Anyway.
He came to visit for four days. And I've realized that there are deal breakers. I don't like how much he drinks. I don't like that he prefers to be high most of the time. I don't want to settle down yet.
I don't mean settle down in a relationship, I mean settle down in one part of the globe.
And also......Calvin wants to try again. Da fuq? Didn't see that coming. ANY TIME SOON. What's crazy though is that I'm so ready to jump back into that.
Only thing is...he doesn't want a title on it. Says a title doesn't really count for anything. (In response to my saying that a title is kind of like the only official guarantee you have) which I get, because yes, you can still cheat or still break up and still yada yada yada...even if you're married to someone.
All this stuff has been in my head and I haven't been able to sort it out until now...writing always helps.
He said that feelings for me grew (bigger) back when we were together, and then it was like nothing changed besides the physical part being removed, and that it used to be fun to resist me but now it's painful....and then there's the huge jump to saying he wants to get me pregnant which every part of me is like what the fudge, that's a huge leap, you don't even want a title but yet...wth?
What I'm trying to figure out is if I'm okay with the current arrangement.
Which is....we're "working on it" and seeing where it goes (he says he has a vision in his head but he hasn't said exactly what that is)
but the part that bugs me is...he would be okay with each of us dating someone else and then still having sex. The way that got brought up was weird...
I agree in one sense with no title because a title does tend to put pressure and expectations and take the fun out of exploring...and I feel like we rushed it the first time around.
I just...I don't necessarily need a guarantee like oh yes I want to marry you...because I have no idea if we would be compatible for that...it's like we've just admitted that we both are interested in each other what, six months ago? So it's like hey, take ten steps back and start from the beginning again. But I would like some sort of confirmation that he's not going to go on tinder and decide to talk to someone and then date them and be like so...I have sex with my best friend every once in a while, are you okay with that? (Literally a direct quote from him).
But then...what the heck is his vision? You don't sit there and want to have kids with someone..that's a lifelong commitment of like hey, we need to be involved in each other's lives forever...or at least for the next eighteen years.
And then, if we each did date someone else like in his weird potential scenario, wouldn't the connection between best friends who also sleep together who have a decade or more of history and solid friendship under the belt trump anything else? Anyway, I would never consider that as an option.
Although. What's weird is that had I gotten together with Cody and he had tried to "be a threat" I would probably have caved. What does that say?
Dunno.
Am I a bad person?
What does he even want? He likes hanging out with me and is also attracted to me physically. Same here. Eh. I've talked myself in a circle. But the "working on it" thing makes sense, because everything was so rushed before.
We are best friends who are exploring the possibility of what the mutual attraction could lead to....figuring it out. (isn't sex usually the last step in that?)
Anyway. Kids are a bad idea. For right now, at least. And I don't want to be pregnant out of wedlock. Eff that.
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