It's 2020, and I never did a 2019 me.

So here's me...but it's an April 2020 me.

• my hair is growing out
• I dyed it bronze-ish auburn-ish (it was supposed to be blondish)
• same two cats and a new betta fish named Raxacoricofallapatorius 
• still work at Target
• started my masters again in science communication (FINALLY)
• four years into my relationship (and things have gotten SO much better than I ever expected)
• I stand up for myself a lot more than I ever used to
• I wear more black and red now than anything because work uniform
• I started drawing again
• I taught myself how to make stickers (from scratch)
• I learned to make GOOD baked macaroni and cheese (have my own recipe now)
• my bedroom looks like a minimalist boho studio apartment
• I do my own mani pedis with gel nail polish 
• still obsessed with the mortal instruments and all spin offs
• the new doctor who seasons suck
• but I'll always love the old ones
• went on my first cruise
• went with cal and his mom & her friend
• it went to bermuda
• went in a hot tub for the first time
• I'm growing my hair out again
• I had cut it into a buzz cut so it was less than an inch long 
• I transitioned from classical to jazz
• got drumsticks as a gift (only took 13 years)
• still dress mostly sporty/athleisure 
• getting curious about makeup
• actually really like playing video games
• spend my weekends at cal's (& dad is okay with it!)
• there's a frigging pandemic going on
• I've kept plants alive for about a year now
• my relationship with my dad is pretty okay
• relaunched my science instagram and gained quite a few followers 
• gotta stay active
• paid off my amazon credit card
• went to the corn maze with cal for the second year in a row
• gained about 45 lbs in about a year and a half
• hey, at least I have my butt back
• gotta get rid of this belly gut though
• it scares me that I question christianity so much
• but I do believe Jesus died for my sins
• I still want to know "why" everything
• favorite color....maybe pale dusty rose? I like neutrals a lot.
• favorite food: chicken wings
• favorite movies: still day after tomorrow, I robot, and transformers
• favorite tv shows: doctor who, that 70's show
• best book I've read lately: funny. I don't remember the name of it but I read it while on the cruise. that one. 
• I look more like my mother than ever before
• had to give my cats away and then got them back
• I really need routines and lots of breaks
• I have an obsession with notebooks
• floral things. all things floral.
• I still do a lot of psychology research online
• did a road trip to NC, stopped in Delaware and passed through virginia, saw the Capitol
• cal told me he loves me

2019 was a really good year. It was actually the first year since my mother died that I spent mostly happy. Genuinely happy, content, and with positive feelings for most of the year (there were a few hiccups here and there but overall, it was good.)

I just realized I've had this blog for ten years now.

I guess you could say it's my longest commitment ever. LOL.

Wow.

Ten whole years.

I still remember the day I started it, sitting in biology class with...what was her name? Pearlmutter? She was a cancer biologist. The theme was different back then...all black and dark and emo, haha.

This has basically been a place where I've dumped all my fears, hopes, dreams, fantasies, plans, heartbreaks, adventures...for a whole decade.

I kind of can't believe it. And in that time, only what, four people really know it exists? It's best that way. It's basically my diary.

If I hadn't had this, I'd have gone mad years ago.

Thanks for being here, blogspot.

things about him pt. 3

The way he will lean on me when he's sleeping, even if he's facing the opposite direction. The way he will play with my hands or reach up to hold them when I'm on the bed and he's playing video games. How he always gets super affectionate if I've fallen asleep before him and will wake me to give me a goodnight kiss. The way he wraps his arms around me from behind sometimes and will lean his head on my back and just rest there. How he's willing to listen to my insecurities and asks about them but doesn't get upset or judge me. The fact that he made a photo of me his laptop wallpaper - and I just happened to notice one day when he was on his laptop. The fact that he made his password the AIM username I had when we first became friends 13 years ago. The orgasms. Yeah, I went there. How he will call me from work and spend hours on the phone with me while working, while driving home, and then stay on the phone with me until he's ready to go to sleep (usually after midnight). How he doesn't mind being on the phone with me while he's sculpting, or while he's doing other things throughout his day. The way he will check to see if I've made it home safely if I don't text that I'm home within the tine I would usually get home from work. The check-ins that he gives me when he's gotten to work, is done, and is home, or if he's at a friend's house. The fact that his friends are so sure that he's in his last relationship, and that he said if he ever messed up he has everything to lose. How he said he's gotten used to me sleeping next to him, and his sleep isn't as satisfying if I'm not there. How we spent six hours or so laying in bed cuddling innocently on our fourth anniversary, just holding hands and caressing each other. How he wants to play video games with me and got me a sci-fi video game for Christmas, wrapped up and tied with a ribbon. The level of skill he has with sculpting - how much he's improved over the years. His skill with building furniture from scratch. His support of whatever I want to do, and his faith in me.

There's more. But I got this bit out of my system to remind myself to appreciate what I have. Who I have. Don't let the fear kick in.

Things I've discovered about myself

I need a routine. I need to stay busy. Too much time alone with my thoughts and unless I'm in a great place mentally, I'll be in a horrible place within the hour. I don't deal with stress well. I multitask a lot - I'll be watching one YouTube video on my TV, another on my iPad, reading an article on my phone and alternate between cooking, cleaning and drawing or painting, approximately every fifteen minutes. My default mode is silence - I don't talk much when I'm content or comfortable. I need to go outside and physically touch nature every once in a while; pick up a stick, rip up some grass or sit on a rock near a pond or stream.

I overthink too much. Way too much. I'll overthink the good things, then project them onto someone else besides myself and start overthinking bad things.

I stand up for myself a lot more now than I used to. I let people know when I'm not okay with something they've said or done, whether it's to me or someone else. I've become obsessed with the color pink. It's kind of ridiculous, really. I take criticism very hard, even though I try not to. I try to be open and vulnerable and courageous and love. Sometimes I succeed.

I can't go too long without eating pasta. Cuddles (with Cal) are the best thing ever. I'm not as much of an adamant "paperback book only" kind of reader anymore. I might buy a kindle. I've become more swept up in the feminist/steminst/blacklivesmatter movements than I ever thought I would be.

There are more things, but for now, let's let that sit.