thinking

You know, I've been thinking. For the past few minutes, really, but it's been culminating into this one big thought.

Okay not really. But with everything that's been going on, and what we've had to deal with a couple of years ago with my mom's diagnosis, and now all of this that's going on, I think it's pushed me to a breaking point. But not the bad kind, not the fall down and cry in a corner kind.

No.

It's forced me to grow up. I used to ask what the point was, what's the point of making me go through difficult things if I'm just going to be a horrible person as a result. Why bother?

But I think it was a sort of training. I swore I'd be stronger this time around. I wasn't blindsided. I saw it coming. I had an inkling of how it could be...how difficult. And yes, it is a LOT. A crap ton. (look it up, it's a real unit of measurement. It measures how crappy situations can be.) But I've been handling things surprisingly well these past few days. Like, with a smile on my face. And I'm learning to put first things first, and to do things that are necessary, like, waking up at 7am and taking care of the animals and heating up water for my mom, and being ready to answer the door at 8am for the wonderful lady who makes food for my mom and brings it in the mornings. And then get ready for work, and not get too overwhelmed at my job...even in stressful situations. And get a phone call that with my mom crying on the other end...and not break down. Not freak out. Go, help her, come back, and still have a smile on my face. I never would have thought I'd be able to manage that.

And she needs me a lot. So I'm not going anywhere just yet. I'm sticking around till she gets better, of course.

And it's come to a point where I want to achieve my goals so badly that I'm willing to budget my time and MAKE time to do the things I want. It's a lot, but like, I have to jump. If I don't, I'll never know.

So...I'll be the one to cut myself from the line...and shatter the glass globe that I've been living in, thinking that everything SHOULD be peachy keen and SHOULD be easy, and that difficulties are hiccups and made to make me unhappy and I should hide in a corner until they're gone.

No. That's not going to work. I have to work to get through them, or else...well, or else.

I expect to make progress.