My problem with writing is this: I don't want to face the rawness that accompanies it.
I'm talking specifically about my novel...(I have no legitimate excuse besides distractions and laziness when it comes to my science blog).
I'm tackling topics that are hitting so close to home and are so raw that they make my chest ache just by reading over the last few lines. I'm not ready. It's hard.
It's really, really hard. And I also associate the story too much with my mom, because I told her the storyline when we were at the last cancer survivors event that she ever went to.
She loved it.
But that makes it harder.
I'm going to stop talking about this now because I was having a good day and I think I'm just going to have to admit to myself that even though it's raining and it would be an amazing day to spend writing...I just can't do it yet.
That sucks.
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
this goes a little off topic
This is what I was meaning to post about last time.
The other day I was out, sitting in the car, doing postmates, and I saw a couple walk past.
What really began to bug me is that it struck me as WRONG. Like, I looked at them, a perfectly normal heterosexual couple, and I thought to myself, "they must be sinning."
What kind of BS crap is that? For all I know, they could have been married. On their way to pick up their toddler from the babysitter.
But it got me thinking, that somehow, throughout all my years of growing up, I've been conditioned to think that boyfriends are bad, and illegal and sinful, and that therefore, relationships will somehow get you to hell.
Dunno really how you're supposed to get married, then. But it's like, you should be in the church, and then God will somehow tell someone, hey, you're supposed to marry her, and then poof. Y'all are engaged. And you don't touch them in any shape, fashion or form until the wedding night.
Maybe that is the way it's supposed to work. Seems kinda....controlling though. Like I was in a church service a few months back, and the preacher told two people that they were supposed to be married. Eh. Maybe they are. Who knows? But the thing is, you see people who have gotten married, and they've been dating for two, three, four, ten years.
Now, I'm not saying you should be going and having sex before marriage, cause I'm still pretty sure that's wrong. Even though I'm SO guilty. But it would reasonably be better not to do that, because if you break up, at least you wouldn't be comparing your next partner to them sexually, and at least it would reduce the risk of a lot of diseases.
At one point I would also have said you'd be less emotionally attached, but I know better now. That's SO NOT true. The pseudo-relationship that destroyed me the most lasted for 7 months and there was no sex of any kind involved there..it was even long distance. It wasn't even an official relationship. So that's not the case.
But my point is, I hate the fact that I feel as if I'm sinning even if I'm NOT doing anything wrong. Like, honestly, I feel as though I'd never have the guts to tell my dad I have a boyfriend, or that I'm interested in someone...and it's funny. You'd think that with it being someone I've known for practically ten years, that would make it better. *scoffs* A few years ago, I told my dad about a guy I was talking to who asked me out to dinner, and my dad wanted to know what his nationality was. As soon as I told him he was Haitian, he instantly said he didn't want me talking to anyone who was of that nationality, because their nation is involved in witchcraft.
Um, what?
I'm very tired of my dad being so biased. And I know my mom was too. I'm not sure where to draw the line between no compromises, and loving everyone. I guess the way that Jesus did it.
Right now I'm kind of mad at Jesus. Or God. Because of my mom. Maybe that's stupid. I did ask for them to take her because of all the pain she was in. This has gotten off track.
I'm just wondering, how can I have a healthy relationship if I feel as if everything I'm doing, even just having one, is WRONG? I'm 27 years old and I haven't actually had a boyfriend since I was 18. Since I was a freaking CHILD. How can I know what to do? How a relationship is supposed to work? How to deal with things? What about if there's a disagreement? I'm not the type of person to argue...I hate arguing and having grown up seeing my parents argue so much....
I remember being maybe four or five years old and hiding behind the bedroom door, praying to God that he would let my mom and dad stop arguing.
Didn't work.
They kept right on yelling at each other.
This sort of stuff makes me discouraged. It's like, there are no guarantees for anything. ANYTHING. Why should I put my life on hold because maybe there is a husband for me across the Atlantic Ocean? When there is someone here that I'd like to be with? And maybe there's not one soulmate for someone...don't we have free will?
There was a pastor that said that yes, we do, but if it doesn't align with God's will, then it counts for absolutely nothing. Like if you did a good thing, but didn't do what God told you to, then that good thing doesn't even get recorded, cause it wasn't "in the book" from the get-go.
So....how are you supposed to know God's plan for your life? Are you supposed to rely on a pastor telling you? How will you know if he's telling you the truth?
I've talked myself into a bummed out mood. That sucks. I'm going to go make myself some pancakes and hopefully I'll feel better.
The other day I was out, sitting in the car, doing postmates, and I saw a couple walk past.
What really began to bug me is that it struck me as WRONG. Like, I looked at them, a perfectly normal heterosexual couple, and I thought to myself, "they must be sinning."
What kind of BS crap is that? For all I know, they could have been married. On their way to pick up their toddler from the babysitter.
But it got me thinking, that somehow, throughout all my years of growing up, I've been conditioned to think that boyfriends are bad, and illegal and sinful, and that therefore, relationships will somehow get you to hell.
Dunno really how you're supposed to get married, then. But it's like, you should be in the church, and then God will somehow tell someone, hey, you're supposed to marry her, and then poof. Y'all are engaged. And you don't touch them in any shape, fashion or form until the wedding night.
Maybe that is the way it's supposed to work. Seems kinda....controlling though. Like I was in a church service a few months back, and the preacher told two people that they were supposed to be married. Eh. Maybe they are. Who knows? But the thing is, you see people who have gotten married, and they've been dating for two, three, four, ten years.
Now, I'm not saying you should be going and having sex before marriage, cause I'm still pretty sure that's wrong. Even though I'm SO guilty. But it would reasonably be better not to do that, because if you break up, at least you wouldn't be comparing your next partner to them sexually, and at least it would reduce the risk of a lot of diseases.
At one point I would also have said you'd be less emotionally attached, but I know better now. That's SO NOT true. The pseudo-relationship that destroyed me the most lasted for 7 months and there was no sex of any kind involved there..it was even long distance. It wasn't even an official relationship. So that's not the case.
But my point is, I hate the fact that I feel as if I'm sinning even if I'm NOT doing anything wrong. Like, honestly, I feel as though I'd never have the guts to tell my dad I have a boyfriend, or that I'm interested in someone...and it's funny. You'd think that with it being someone I've known for practically ten years, that would make it better. *scoffs* A few years ago, I told my dad about a guy I was talking to who asked me out to dinner, and my dad wanted to know what his nationality was. As soon as I told him he was Haitian, he instantly said he didn't want me talking to anyone who was of that nationality, because their nation is involved in witchcraft.
Um, what?
I'm very tired of my dad being so biased. And I know my mom was too. I'm not sure where to draw the line between no compromises, and loving everyone. I guess the way that Jesus did it.
Right now I'm kind of mad at Jesus. Or God. Because of my mom. Maybe that's stupid. I did ask for them to take her because of all the pain she was in. This has gotten off track.
I'm just wondering, how can I have a healthy relationship if I feel as if everything I'm doing, even just having one, is WRONG? I'm 27 years old and I haven't actually had a boyfriend since I was 18. Since I was a freaking CHILD. How can I know what to do? How a relationship is supposed to work? How to deal with things? What about if there's a disagreement? I'm not the type of person to argue...I hate arguing and having grown up seeing my parents argue so much....
I remember being maybe four or five years old and hiding behind the bedroom door, praying to God that he would let my mom and dad stop arguing.
Didn't work.
They kept right on yelling at each other.
This sort of stuff makes me discouraged. It's like, there are no guarantees for anything. ANYTHING. Why should I put my life on hold because maybe there is a husband for me across the Atlantic Ocean? When there is someone here that I'd like to be with? And maybe there's not one soulmate for someone...don't we have free will?
There was a pastor that said that yes, we do, but if it doesn't align with God's will, then it counts for absolutely nothing. Like if you did a good thing, but didn't do what God told you to, then that good thing doesn't even get recorded, cause it wasn't "in the book" from the get-go.
So....how are you supposed to know God's plan for your life? Are you supposed to rely on a pastor telling you? How will you know if he's telling you the truth?
I've talked myself into a bummed out mood. That sucks. I'm going to go make myself some pancakes and hopefully I'll feel better.
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
Oh, it HAS been a while.
Merry belated Christmas. Happy almost New Year.
It's that weird in-between time when all the Christmas decor goes on sale and the stores put out flower displays and start promoting spring, but you're still bundling up in your winter coat and the cold spells have just barely begun.
That was a really long sentence. It was meant to sound poetic.
But seriously, that's how it feels.
Christmas was an uneventful affair...I spent the Eve with Cal and the actual Day with my dad. I think we watched Netflix. Then my dad fell asleep and I picked up Chiara so we could watch the Doctor Who christmas special together (literally the entire reason I purchased cable for the TV).
We didn't go to visit Mommy. I think it would have been too much. I hope she understands.
I got a onesie with feet for christmas (yay!) and a package of blank canvases to draw on. I also got a really amazing mug with the letter E on it.
It's the 28th today. I was out working with Cal and when we were done, he put a location in the GPS and set it to start, saying "it's a place I've been wanting to check out."
I didn't ask questions because, well, that's kind of how we roll. It's not like he's going to take me someplace ridiculous...I dunno. There's a lot of "do what you want" and "meh, okay, no biggie" in how we interact. I guess the way people who have been friends for nearly a decade act (summer 2017 will make ten years) kind of sums us up.
Well. I assumed it was going to be a restaurant because I had been talking about food...but guess where we ended up? Canarsie....at a lawyer's firm that was COMPLETELY decked out in Christmas lights and decorations and moving figures and just..so...cool!
Not what I expected at all. And we literally had to drive a good half hour out of our way, deeper into Brooklyn, to get there. What's really nice though, is that in my own mind, I had been wanting to find a house like that to look at. My mom and dad and brother and I used to go and look at a house that was decked out in Christmas decor when I was very small, and I remember it.
That's the way Cal is. Random nice things, when you least expect it. Like showing up at my job with a box of Oreo cookies on my lunch break. Or bringing me lunch when I was really sick, with cayenne pepper added to it because I had mentioned that I knew cayenne was good for colds. Showing up on my doorstep with Dunkin Donuts breakfast before work one morning. And this.
It might be kind of silly, and it's also NOT what I started this blog post intending to write about, but wow, I'm realizing that that meant a lot. Not because like, aw, it was a romantic thing. Nah. Not like that. It was really sweet, but it's more like, wow, I really wanted to see a house like that, and I got to see one. Memories...old memories, with new ones added now. I can feel that that's going to make this Christmas be one that actually stands out in my memory, and there are very few that do that.
There's the year when I got the Tina doll toy set that I had wanted, and my brother got a soccer ball, there's the year we were decorating the tree and Simba (my kitten) was walking around underneath it..my dad had borrowed my uncle's huge over-the-shoulder video camera that year. Then there's 2006, when my dad, mom and I found our way to Rockefeller center on Christmas Day, and looked at the tree, and Carol of the Bells by the Trans Siberian Orchestra played deafeningly loud throughout the streets...and it was like you could feel it in your bones.
Honestly...those are the only three that stand out as true memories.
This has ended up being a really nice blog post, and I want to keep it that way. It's nice. For the first time in a long time, I feel content.
=)
It's that weird in-between time when all the Christmas decor goes on sale and the stores put out flower displays and start promoting spring, but you're still bundling up in your winter coat and the cold spells have just barely begun.
That was a really long sentence. It was meant to sound poetic.
But seriously, that's how it feels.
Christmas was an uneventful affair...I spent the Eve with Cal and the actual Day with my dad. I think we watched Netflix. Then my dad fell asleep and I picked up Chiara so we could watch the Doctor Who christmas special together (literally the entire reason I purchased cable for the TV).
We didn't go to visit Mommy. I think it would have been too much. I hope she understands.
I got a onesie with feet for christmas (yay!) and a package of blank canvases to draw on. I also got a really amazing mug with the letter E on it.
It's the 28th today. I was out working with Cal and when we were done, he put a location in the GPS and set it to start, saying "it's a place I've been wanting to check out."
I didn't ask questions because, well, that's kind of how we roll. It's not like he's going to take me someplace ridiculous...I dunno. There's a lot of "do what you want" and "meh, okay, no biggie" in how we interact. I guess the way people who have been friends for nearly a decade act (summer 2017 will make ten years) kind of sums us up.
Well. I assumed it was going to be a restaurant because I had been talking about food...but guess where we ended up? Canarsie....at a lawyer's firm that was COMPLETELY decked out in Christmas lights and decorations and moving figures and just..so...cool!
Not what I expected at all. And we literally had to drive a good half hour out of our way, deeper into Brooklyn, to get there. What's really nice though, is that in my own mind, I had been wanting to find a house like that to look at. My mom and dad and brother and I used to go and look at a house that was decked out in Christmas decor when I was very small, and I remember it.
That's the way Cal is. Random nice things, when you least expect it. Like showing up at my job with a box of Oreo cookies on my lunch break. Or bringing me lunch when I was really sick, with cayenne pepper added to it because I had mentioned that I knew cayenne was good for colds. Showing up on my doorstep with Dunkin Donuts breakfast before work one morning. And this.
It might be kind of silly, and it's also NOT what I started this blog post intending to write about, but wow, I'm realizing that that meant a lot. Not because like, aw, it was a romantic thing. Nah. Not like that. It was really sweet, but it's more like, wow, I really wanted to see a house like that, and I got to see one. Memories...old memories, with new ones added now. I can feel that that's going to make this Christmas be one that actually stands out in my memory, and there are very few that do that.
There's the year when I got the Tina doll toy set that I had wanted, and my brother got a soccer ball, there's the year we were decorating the tree and Simba (my kitten) was walking around underneath it..my dad had borrowed my uncle's huge over-the-shoulder video camera that year. Then there's 2006, when my dad, mom and I found our way to Rockefeller center on Christmas Day, and looked at the tree, and Carol of the Bells by the Trans Siberian Orchestra played deafeningly loud throughout the streets...and it was like you could feel it in your bones.
Honestly...those are the only three that stand out as true memories.
This has ended up being a really nice blog post, and I want to keep it that way. It's nice. For the first time in a long time, I feel content.
=)
Thursday, December 8, 2016
New Years Resolutions
1. Cut out dairy to get clear skin
2. get on and stay on a schedule for being productive
3. finish my novel
4. become financially stable.
2. get on and stay on a schedule for being productive
3. finish my novel
4. become financially stable.
2016 in Review
January - We had a blizzard and I got a lot of cats
February - I turned 27
March - My mom died, end of month got into a relationship
April - a blur
May - a blur
June - I got out of a job that I hated, that relationship ended
July - weirdness...packing
August - moving
September - a lot of working, started talking to Cody again
October - reconnected with Cody, found out that wouldn't work, got back into the first relationship after a whole lot of talking... :)
November - thanksgiving at Khrys' house, launched thenerdystuff blog
December - TBD.
February - I turned 27
March - My mom died, end of month got into a relationship
April - a blur
May - a blur
June - I got out of a job that I hated, that relationship ended
July - weirdness...packing
August - moving
September - a lot of working, started talking to Cody again
October - reconnected with Cody, found out that wouldn't work, got back into the first relationship after a whole lot of talking... :)
November - thanksgiving at Khrys' house, launched thenerdystuff blog
December - TBD.
Saturday, November 19, 2016
I just needed to blog
I'm okay. I really am...just sometimes I'm not. Mainly...well, always when I'm not okay it's about my mom. I'm missing her a lot more now, especially with the holidays coming up. Nia took me out shopping for Christmas decorations on Thursday, which was amazing of her. (It's the friends like those that are the life-long ones). She did it to cheer me up and make me feel that I didn't have to be alone in the decorating and stuff.
I wonder what's going to happen for Thanksgiving. If my dad and I will go anywhere.
Besides that....can I go "goofy" for a moment?
Cal held my hand.
(AAAHHHHH)
Sorry. Had to get that out there, lol. I don't know if I've mentioned it on here before, but hand holding has always been a really big deal for me. An even bigger deal than sex. Like, to the point where I could feel comfortable enough to have sex with someone but not feel comfortable enough to hold their hand.
Sounds dumb, backwards even, I know, but let me explain. Sex has been devalued. It's a casual pleasure thing for most people. One night stands and all that. But you're not going to hold someone's hand unless you really care about them. It implies affection. Well. In my mind, anyway. And you'll see casual strangers screwing each other, but you don't see them walking around holding hands, lol. Or lying in bed watching Doctor Who and holding hands.
So.
^_^
Lol.
I like the way this is going.
OH! Also...this convo happened.
Cal: I want you to have my kids.
Me: That's the moment talking.
Cal: It's not. I told you, I've thought about this.
And this one, about a month later:
Me: Are you really actually serious about wanting kids?
Cal: (quiet for a moment) I would like to...
Me: You do realize that means you'd be stuck with me for at least the next eighteen years, right?
Cal: Hah! Yes. I am aware of that.
I have to admit, after that convo, the idea started to grow on me. But the timing isn't right, not yet, anyway. I'm also starting on birth control this Sunday. Ah. That's tomorrow. Wow. A little nervous about that....I've never been on it before. But I need to be responsible.
So many changes, all at once.
In my life, I mean. And figuring out who I am and what matters to me. A lot of stuff that I thought was "supposed to" matter, I'm realizing doesn't. But after all, it's my life, and I have to answer for myself and live with whatever I'm comfortable with. Not my parents' life.
I mean, that stuff (like sex before marriage) probably IS supposed to matter.
Sigh.
I have a question. Why does my doctor (and other people) say that you should always wear a condom to protect against STI's...when you've already NOT done that, been tested, are in a monogamous relationship, and have no diseases? Doesn't that mean your partner also has no diseases? Granted, any one could go and cheat at any time and bring back ickyness, but what about in marriage? Should you be wearing one then? Just in case your husband decides to cheat?
I don't see what the point is of using one if you're on birth control. Well....unless the birth control doesn't work because you miss a day or two...but I've set an alarm. Anyway. What I mean is, if everything is on point, then why?
Eh. There's probably a really good reason and I'm just being naive.
I also got a new mug....(drastic topic change, I know) that's the mostest gorgeousest thing out there...it's white and it says "too much MONDAY, not enough COFFEE" in gold lettering. Ahhh. It's lovely.
I have this urge to work today, because I know I need more money. My dad loaned me a couple hundred so that I could pay the internet and my car loan. Sigh. He says I need to pay him back by next year, but of course I want to do it WAY before that.
I've GOT to get a reliable source of income. Wait. I have one. I just need to make use of it.
It's been good to blog again, and with good news, not just all sad, angsty stuff.
I've missed it.
I wonder what's going to happen for Thanksgiving. If my dad and I will go anywhere.
Besides that....can I go "goofy" for a moment?
Cal held my hand.
(AAAHHHHH)
Sorry. Had to get that out there, lol. I don't know if I've mentioned it on here before, but hand holding has always been a really big deal for me. An even bigger deal than sex. Like, to the point where I could feel comfortable enough to have sex with someone but not feel comfortable enough to hold their hand.
Sounds dumb, backwards even, I know, but let me explain. Sex has been devalued. It's a casual pleasure thing for most people. One night stands and all that. But you're not going to hold someone's hand unless you really care about them. It implies affection. Well. In my mind, anyway. And you'll see casual strangers screwing each other, but you don't see them walking around holding hands, lol. Or lying in bed watching Doctor Who and holding hands.
So.
^_^
Lol.
I like the way this is going.
OH! Also...this convo happened.
Cal: I want you to have my kids.
Me: That's the moment talking.
Cal: It's not. I told you, I've thought about this.
And this one, about a month later:
Me: Are you really actually serious about wanting kids?
Cal: (quiet for a moment) I would like to...
Me: You do realize that means you'd be stuck with me for at least the next eighteen years, right?
Cal: Hah! Yes. I am aware of that.
I have to admit, after that convo, the idea started to grow on me. But the timing isn't right, not yet, anyway. I'm also starting on birth control this Sunday. Ah. That's tomorrow. Wow. A little nervous about that....I've never been on it before. But I need to be responsible.
So many changes, all at once.
In my life, I mean. And figuring out who I am and what matters to me. A lot of stuff that I thought was "supposed to" matter, I'm realizing doesn't. But after all, it's my life, and I have to answer for myself and live with whatever I'm comfortable with. Not my parents' life.
I mean, that stuff (like sex before marriage) probably IS supposed to matter.
Sigh.
I have a question. Why does my doctor (and other people) say that you should always wear a condom to protect against STI's...when you've already NOT done that, been tested, are in a monogamous relationship, and have no diseases? Doesn't that mean your partner also has no diseases? Granted, any one could go and cheat at any time and bring back ickyness, but what about in marriage? Should you be wearing one then? Just in case your husband decides to cheat?
I don't see what the point is of using one if you're on birth control. Well....unless the birth control doesn't work because you miss a day or two...but I've set an alarm. Anyway. What I mean is, if everything is on point, then why?
Eh. There's probably a really good reason and I'm just being naive.
I also got a new mug....(drastic topic change, I know) that's the mostest gorgeousest thing out there...it's white and it says "too much MONDAY, not enough COFFEE" in gold lettering. Ahhh. It's lovely.
I have this urge to work today, because I know I need more money. My dad loaned me a couple hundred so that I could pay the internet and my car loan. Sigh. He says I need to pay him back by next year, but of course I want to do it WAY before that.
I've GOT to get a reliable source of income. Wait. I have one. I just need to make use of it.
It's been good to blog again, and with good news, not just all sad, angsty stuff.
I've missed it.
Saturday, November 5, 2016
I think I may be stretching myself too thin.
Tutoring.
Website launch (in ten days!!)
Postmates/uber.
Gallery.
That's it. That's all I'm doing. But I have a habit of panicking and thinking that I don't have enough time in a day to accomplish everything I need to, when that's SO not true.
I'm also worried about my finances for this month. And I'm hungry. But that's neither here nor there, except for the fact that the internet bill is two months overdue and I only have about $150 left in my account.
Okay. Time to take a step back and figure out what we want.
I want to be self sufficient. I also want to not need to tutor. Why? Um.......because it stresses me? But wouldn't everything stress me? Yes. So never mind that. Keep tutoring.
If I go out every evening that I don't have tutoring and do postmates and uber from say, seven pm to ten pm, it would help with the income.
What am I worried and nervous and fretting about? Starting my life, basically. I mean, I'm already living my life, but...two of my high school friends just had babies, and my childhood best friend just got married. It makes me fret, a little bit, and feel kind of bad, because here I am having never been in a real relationship that's lasted longer than three months.
I don't know how to calculate the thing with Cal, because that lasted two months, wasn't on for three, and now is back on for about one. So...is it three months or do we just round it up to six months? When March 30th comes around next year will it be a year? Or does it start over from October? Eh. Who cares. But what I mean is that...I feel bad for not being like everyone else. I know that's dumb. So dumb. But it's a fact. And then I get sad that my mom will not be there to help me with a child when I do have one.
Lotta things going on in this head at one time.
Well. What do I want?
To be self sufficient, to have my own apartment (with or without a roommate), to be stylish (because yes, that stuff matters to me) and to be self-employed doing something I love, which would be science journalism and combining art with that.
These are the steps I must take to get there: I'm working on my website, and my tutoring will require maybe three-four hours of prep time during the week. See? That's not even much! I need real food, though. OH! And I also want to have a healthy lifestyle. Where I stay slim and trim, and actually eat healthy, home-cooked food. Mostly non-cooked, actually. Like smoothies (and coffee!) for breakfast, and then salads for lunch and soups and stuff for dinner. With the occasional good ol' jamaican meal every now and again. I will find a way.
It's in the small decisions each day, though, isn't it? Like what I decide to eat, what I decide to spend my time doing....and I need to also build in free time that doesn't get encroached on by anyone. This requires time budgeting and also monetary budgeting.
I need a fund that's like an adventure fund.
With disposable money for random going out and stuff.
Okay. Yay. There we go.
And once I'm on a financially stable flow (gotta find out what works that I can consistently pay my bills) then I can start saving for trips to travel around ze world.
Tutoring.
Website launch (in ten days!!)
Postmates/uber.
Gallery.
That's it. That's all I'm doing. But I have a habit of panicking and thinking that I don't have enough time in a day to accomplish everything I need to, when that's SO not true.
I'm also worried about my finances for this month. And I'm hungry. But that's neither here nor there, except for the fact that the internet bill is two months overdue and I only have about $150 left in my account.
Okay. Time to take a step back and figure out what we want.
I want to be self sufficient. I also want to not need to tutor. Why? Um.......because it stresses me? But wouldn't everything stress me? Yes. So never mind that. Keep tutoring.
If I go out every evening that I don't have tutoring and do postmates and uber from say, seven pm to ten pm, it would help with the income.
What am I worried and nervous and fretting about? Starting my life, basically. I mean, I'm already living my life, but...two of my high school friends just had babies, and my childhood best friend just got married. It makes me fret, a little bit, and feel kind of bad, because here I am having never been in a real relationship that's lasted longer than three months.
I don't know how to calculate the thing with Cal, because that lasted two months, wasn't on for three, and now is back on for about one. So...is it three months or do we just round it up to six months? When March 30th comes around next year will it be a year? Or does it start over from October? Eh. Who cares. But what I mean is that...I feel bad for not being like everyone else. I know that's dumb. So dumb. But it's a fact. And then I get sad that my mom will not be there to help me with a child when I do have one.
Lotta things going on in this head at one time.
Well. What do I want?
To be self sufficient, to have my own apartment (with or without a roommate), to be stylish (because yes, that stuff matters to me) and to be self-employed doing something I love, which would be science journalism and combining art with that.
These are the steps I must take to get there: I'm working on my website, and my tutoring will require maybe three-four hours of prep time during the week. See? That's not even much! I need real food, though. OH! And I also want to have a healthy lifestyle. Where I stay slim and trim, and actually eat healthy, home-cooked food. Mostly non-cooked, actually. Like smoothies (and coffee!) for breakfast, and then salads for lunch and soups and stuff for dinner. With the occasional good ol' jamaican meal every now and again. I will find a way.
It's in the small decisions each day, though, isn't it? Like what I decide to eat, what I decide to spend my time doing....and I need to also build in free time that doesn't get encroached on by anyone. This requires time budgeting and also monetary budgeting.
I need a fund that's like an adventure fund.
With disposable money for random going out and stuff.
Okay. Yay. There we go.
And once I'm on a financially stable flow (gotta find out what works that I can consistently pay my bills) then I can start saving for trips to travel around ze world.
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