my mind is cluttered

 Too many thoughts...too many changes at once.

Is this what life is? Struggles and changes and floundering around and being unsure and never really knowing what you're doing or what you're going to do or what you're up against or how to deal with things? 

Never-ending change? 

Side note - speaking of change, I don't like the new layout for the blogger new post page. 

meh. 

Cal believes in Jesus. This is awesome. This is better than I ever hoped or dreamed or imagined or expected. 

He's started reading the Bible, almost every day, and he's making changes in his life. He's trying to stop cursing, and he's asked so many questions about everything he's read that it's made me very happy. 

It's also made me very unsettled. It's strange to hear him say "all praises to the Most High," and it's scary to watch him get up to the parts in the Bible that are all about patriarchy and women must be silent and so forth. 

I'm afraid that it will make him judge me. Heck, I feel judged, just because he's read the parts about women should have long hair and men shouldn't. Now I know this means he will probably never grow his hair out again once he cuts it for school - oh yeah. He's going to a marine merchant school in Maryland and he's going to be gone for 6 months at a time. 

[insert saddest face possible here]

But on the bright side (there are many bright sides) he says that one good-length voyage would be a down payment on a house that he had shown me on Zillow. He also wants us to get married one day, and to be able to buy and move into our own house "very soon" afterwards. 

So these are good things. Bright sides. 

I need to remember them when the pms fears and thoughts of insecurity kick in. 

Thoughts like, what if he didn't really mean it? why did I have to ask? does he really love me? am I pushing him into this? will this all work out? can I handle having him so far away for so long? what am I afraid of? what if he's not meant to be with me and realizes that while abroad? how do I cope with not celebrating Christmas or the idea that we're actually hebrews? 

It's a lot. 

Then again, it's always a lot. That seems to be what life is: a lot. 

Well, he's got a plan now, and he was talking about saving money and I was saying how when he's on the ship, there won't be anything to spend his money on, and he went "well in our situation, if we were paying off a mortgage, the money would be coming out of that account." 

So. 

Why do I need to reassure myself so much? Why do I start doubting things so quickly? How do I stop? 

I need cuddles.