I don't know what's going on. I don't know how to make sense of it all, and it's all in this huge mess inside my head, so I'm just going to ramble on disjointedly, and hopefully it all comes out and I can purge it and get a clearer perspective.
My job is falling apart.
My family feels like it's falling apart.
I'm so utterly confused on the inside and the outside and well, no, not the outside because I have to put on a fake smile at work everyday and it's so godawful to pretend everything is okay and to smile and say I'm fine when really I'm not and I don't know what's important anymore or how to prioritize anything or what to do moving forward or if I even am moving forward or am I just going to be stuck for the rest of my life...do I need to make changes? What do I need to change? How can I be there for my family and take care of myself at the same time?
WHAT AM I DOING WRONG???????
Tell me. Some one with authority, please, please tell me and I'll change. I promise. I just don't know what it is. I'm obviously doing something incorrectly. But everything is just a big mess.
Someone told me that they had the gift of prophecy (back in December, I think) and that very soon, a crap ton of things were going to happen to me within a six-month time period that was going to be so overwhelming. I'm starting to wonder if this is it.
Both directors at my job up and quit. Just like that. Like, wtf? And that is going to leave a sh**ton of work for me, and they kept me out of the loop so much when they were here that I don't know half of what is going on now or how to deal with the backlash that is going to happen. We're understaffed. I'm looking for another job.
My mom and I...just....gosh. I don't know who to listen to, who to believe. It's like, if so many people, literally everyone who comes into our lives, is telling me that the way she is behaving is destructive towards me and the family, mustn't it be true? Isn't she the one that needs to change? But she always makes me feel as though I'm the one who is not doing enough, who doesn't care, but like, why can't you take care of yourself? Why do you have to sit home for eight hours a day, while I'm at work, and then only eat one rice cake and tell me about it when I come home like "I'm so miserable, I'm so desperately tired, and hungry, I need to eat and sleep, all I've eaten today is one rice cake, please make me food, please buy food for me, please take me here and there and everywhere..." Like, it's not my fault you didn't eat all day. I wasn't there preventing you from eating. Don't tell me you don't have food to eat, because you say you want a raw diet, but when there is salad in the fridge you don't want to prepare it.
When I've been at work all day long, and I come home and need to relax, recharge (I'm an introvert. I really, really REALLY don't like interacting with people) then you need me to drive you all around. And we don't get back till eleven pm or so. That is SO incredibly draining. So tell me. Am I wrong? And yes I complain. WHO WOULDN'T?
But then there are other times where I try to do things before being asked to. Like I'll get up in the morning and put on hot water like she needs, and bring it up to her. Or I'll get stuff together and make a giant salad that should last a day or two. And I'll take care of the animals. Oh yeah, the animals. Good God. We have two cats, four fishes, and two turtles. Now here's what I should be doing EVERY DAY.
Cats: Feed them, morning, lunch break, evening when I come home, and night before bed. Also clean the litterbox each time as well. Or at least check to see if it needs cleaning. Also put them outside on the leashes once a day, sometimes twice, depending on the weather. And then brush them each time I bring them back in.
Turtles: We have a 55 gallon tank. It used to be half full, and I would clean it every single day, completely. Cause turtles STANKY. LIKE STINKY STANKY. Now we have a smaller container inside it with water, but the filter won't fit in there, so I should still clean that each day. And I also have to feed them three times a day (because mom freaks out if they don't eat that often) and take them out and put them in a giant basin filled with water in order for them to eat there so when they poop it doesn't go in their home tank water.
Fishes: Feed them 3x/day. Also clean out their filter each day.
Then I'm supposed to sweep the bathroom floors each day, and clean the sinks as well. And I have to pre make meals for my mom. But see the thing is, whenever I do that, she decides she "can't" eat it, for whatever reason. So why bother? But still I try. But it's not enough, it's never enough.
So if I'm at work from 10:30 to 6:30, and doing things for you and the house until around 11pm or midnight, then when do I sleep? Or if I'm beyond exhausted and have to sleep, when do I work on my YouTube? When do I write? When do I do my blogs? When can I relax and read...if I were in school, when would I do my homework, my research, conduct my interviews?
How does all this fit into one life without burning it out? I can't take it.
I've had to take one day off per week because my job is too poor to pay us workers. So now I'll be making less. And I freaking joined Postmates and should be making some money, and my parents tried to (and succeeded in) talking me out of it. Like, what. the. sludge. (I'm trying so hard not to curse. SO HARD)
So I said screw that; just because you think that since I have a degree I should be working my way up and not down the ladder...I'm not going down the ladder. I'm doing something on the side. Something I actually WANT to do. So I signed up for shifts again. I'm doing it. I don't give a rats tail what they say. My mom doesn't want me to get hit riding bikes in the city, my dad thinks I'll be moving down the economic ladder.
SCREW IT ALL.
Why is so much of my life dictated by my parents and not wanting to disappoint/hurt/displease them? Why do I feel the need to run everything by them? It's because when I don't, I get made to feel bad about it. Like, FUKKKK. Can't I have my own life? You are NOT always going to be a part of it. Not to the extent that you have been for so long. Like I was literally afraid to move out because I worried who would be the mediator between my parents when they argued, and how would their marriage hold up without me? Well guess what? That's not my darn problem. I didn't ask you to get married. I didn't ask to be born. I could have done very well without existing. I would have been better off. So I'm not getting involved in their crap. They refuse to listen to me, they have deep seated issues from before I was even born that they're still holding onto and holding against each other, what am I supposed to do about that? NOTHING. I can't. I won't. I'm not being cruel or insensitive. I'm just doing my part, which is not to be involved in something that doesn't involve me.
I can't keep living my life like this. I need to live my dreams. And not answer to parents. My parents didn't answer to theirs by the time they were in their mid twenties. They lived in different countries by then. And I actually pointed this out to my mom today, and she said that she believes God sent her to America to teach her about Him.
I'm so done.
Really? So it's God's will and plan for me to be treated like a teenager my whole freaking life? NOT FCKING HAPPENING. I'd kill myself first. Sad, but quite probably true.
Although a less drastic option would be to move out, but honestly, I was away at campus and my mom would ask me to call her each night when I got back in the dorm. Needless to say, I didn't. And she used sound all wounded...like really, you're just needy. And I'm your only child and you don't want to let go of me. If you let me go, I'll come back. I'll want to be around you. If you tie a rope to me, I'll run and stay away the first chance I get.
Kind of like my cat.
I'm so tired. I need a plan.
You know what sucks, too? I don't feel any less upset or confused. Fudge. Writing usually helps.
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