I sit in the lecture hall, feeling somewhat inspired and slightly less paranoid than the previous days have left me.
I can't do this, haha.
I love reading blog posts where people write all poetic and dreamlike, but it's not me.
Not if I'm not writing poetry.

This is the only place I'm really myself. Where I write out my thoughts the way they come into my head. (That's why my words often don't make sense.)

But I need something. I'm not sure if it's to get away...no, I don't think it's that. I think I've been too dislocated from society lately, and as a result, I've become dependent on a few things that aren't healthy.

No. No drugs, silly.

Although I admit that I have smoked hookah and gotten dangerously close to wanting to make a habit of it. Good thing I looked up the health effects and got scared out of my wits.

But I've lost track of the strong, self-sufficient girl I used to be. I'm not sure where exactly she went. She used to be able to let things roll off her back. She used to live inside a brick wall that was reinforced with steel and concrete. She used to be able to go into long, solitary moments and come out unscathed...

But she's been misplaced.

I can't find her.

I keep trying to get her back, but she's been replaced by a strange copy of myself that feels everything too much, tells people when she's hurting, and depends on other people to make her happy.

I have to switch back. There's too much going on; I can't afford to feel. I can't think clearly when I feel. My thoughts run away with me...away from me. If I let it go on it will ruin everything I've worked so hard for.

I do wonder, though, if me feeling is a sign of me growing up; becoming Real? Like the Bunny and the Skin Horse in my favorite childhood story The Velveteen Rabbit.  I'm not used to this, though, and I don't quite like it.

But what if I go back to my unfeeling self and THAT unravels everything I've worked for?

What if that makes me a terrible person? Someone unlikable? Someone jaded.

It's easier to be jaded than to be Real.

It hurts less.

But is it worth it?