Yah. I'm planning.

Okie dokes. Plans for my youtube channel.

Playlists:
Hair-related videos (tutorials, reviews, quick hairstyles) Once a month.
Fashion-related videos (thrift shopping, hauls, tag-alongs) Nifty Thrifty Thursdays (upload every other thursday)
Music videos (on my channel or grace of giving?) Covers. Guitar. A little piano. Maybe some song. Whenever.
Tags and games/challenges (occasionally and always with a friend)

planning...and ish like that.

Alla the stuff I wanna to do:

photography
crochet/knit
youtube
art
sing
play/learn guitar
write fiction
write nonfiction
read
make dubstep music

Stuff I hafta do:

work
pay bills
clean the house
go grocery shopping
spend time with my family
go to church
cook
take care of the pets

How many days in a week? 7.

Monday - guitar, crochet/knit
Tuesday - write fiction
Wednesday - make dubstep music
Thursday - read, photography
Friday - write nonfiction, art
Saturday - sing, youtube,
Sunday - grocery, church, family time

Okay. Apparently there aren't enough days in the week to incorporate everything that I want to do. Maybe I need to spread it out over like, a month? Like, every other week? Stuff like that?

Or maybe I need to focus on only a few things right now? What do I want to focus on RIGHT NOW?

Youtube
Write fiction/nonfiction
Sing
Make dubstep music

frustration

I am so incredibly, very, extremely, truly, utterly, everything-ly frustrated. Like I want to scream at the top of my lungs from the bottom of my gut and shout and yell and pound something frustrated. The type of frustrated where I want to get on my hands and knees and scrub the kitchen floor till it shines and squeaks just to see some results and do something productive.

And I don't even know why.

But I do.

I want to cry. I hate this. I hate feeling like I'm being thwarted every step of the way. Is that the only way to overcome obstacles? To accomplish anything in life? Does there have to be a roadblock at every turn and corner? WHY?

And when I get frustrated, when I feel like this, then it's so much harder for me to buckle down and do what needs to be done. It's like I can't think clearly. I can't make myself pick up the pen or the pencil or the book or the...anything. I zone out and go on YouTube and watch other people's success.

I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really, really, really want to cry.

I have all this nervous, frustrated energy inside me. I can literally feel it. It's in my arms and my chest, mainly. Like if I don't DO something, I'm going to explode. I've always been like that. When I get frustrated I need an outlet, but I've never had one. Okay, not true. There was that year in high school that I played volleyball.

But all the other years of my life, there hasn't been any form of a physical outlet for my stress. My parents always said "don't strike out," "pray about it," et cetera. But what about when you feel like you're going to combust if you don't MOVE? What do you do then? What do you do when the energy and the urge to run and punch and kick is so intense that it literally paralyzes you?

I'm f*cking trapped. Really. I'm somehow trapped. It's like I'm in a rut and can't get out. I keep pulling myself up bit by bit but then someone steps on my hand and kicks me back in.

GOD.

I'm so FRUSTRATED.

What I want.

I'll be everything/that I wanna be/I am confidence in insecurity/I am a voice yet waiting to be heard/I'll shoot the shot - BANG - that you hear 'round the world/I'm a one girl revolution!

My mantra this year.

So this is what I'm doing with my life. I'm a science writer, who loves music, and youtube, and geeky things, and cats. And bunnies. But I digress.

Here's the plan:

The Crew:
Music/Makeup: Khrys Denise
Cinematography/Special Effects: Calvin W.
Dance/Choreography: Hassaan P. (ps. contact John M. and ask for a feature)

Collab goals:
Pentatonix
David So Comedy
ASAP Science
Lindsey Stirling
Felipe (Whitney's husband)
Doddleoddle


This will grow and change as I learn and go on, but for now, there's my starter list.

God Rocks.

music rants.

I downloaded a thing. It's software. It's um...a thing. It makes music.

I love dubstep music, and for a while now I've been wanting to create some. So.....I forked over $43 bucks out of my Christmas money and bought a digital music kit.

Then I made a flipping epic beat (no, really. It was fantastic) and the program decided to freeze on me and I lost the whole track. Guh.

I cried.

And then I went and watched Pentatonix music videos and Andy Grammer's Keep Your Head Up and Superfruit's Try Not To Laugh video and felt tons better. Then I went and discovered some more interviews and the like and now I feel bummed again. Silly little crush I've got. I'll get over it. I was obsessed with Jamie Campbell Bower and his voice/smile/hair/personality for a while, and now I'm okay. It looks like Avi Kaplan is the new obsession. Why do I always end up picking the quiet ones to like? Can I hear you say "I'ma teach you how to love?" (My favorite line from their song Love Again...of course it's Avi's line. That bass voice is whoa.) Seriously. Pentatonix is awesome.

Okay. Now that I'm done with that....I ought to go to sleep. But I'm not tired. I stay up late every night into the wee hours watching Pentatonix videos and Superfruit videos. Not good....

Meh. Laters!!!! I'm going to go watch the Try Not to Laugh video again and get happy and then go to sleep.

OH! BTW...Lindsey Stirling has a new song/album out called Shatter Me... lawd. I had the jitters by the time the song was done. She is amazing.

Science. Writing. Music. Me.

2014

hi. i blog.
I'm talking to a guy I met at a party who is ten years older than me (yikes). Don't see that going anywhere. I'm teaching myself to sing (that's definitely going somewhere). I'm going to finish my novel in 2015. I'm going vegan again in January (or is it vegetarian)? I use parentheses a lot (have you noticed)? I still blog. It's been four years. I'm terribly insecure, yet people have told me I come across as confident (how the heck does that work?) I've got one less problem without you. Yes you. I love Christmas but have had a hard time getting into the spirit this year. I'm a Pentaholic (Pentatonix is the best band in the universe and I'm going to meet them one day.) I make youtube videos. No I don't. Sometimes I do. I will, more. I love water. I need to move out on my own. Soon. I have two cats, three goldfish, and a Betta fish (yes, another one. I'm trying again). I can play lots of instruments just by picking them up. Well. The guitar, the piano, the drums and the clarinet. Is that a lot? Apparently my favorite color is red. I thought it was green. (It used to be purple). I have a job. No, not a career. A job. I'm working on my career. I still want to travel, but I haven't figured out how to pay for that yet. I will. I don't like interacting with people, but my job requires it. Ugh. It's not so bad, really. I want an iPhone. I don't know how to use one. I just realized that I shut myself down a lot. That's not good. Let's be better. I'm good at things. Negotiating. Writing. Listening. Drawing. Singing. (uh, I'm getting there). I can rap (who knew?) I'm a flaky sort of person when it comes to appointments and responsibilities. I like to sit cross-legged a lot. I hate when people spell "a lot" as "alot." I met jamie campbell bower this year and he spoke to me and signed my book. I want kids some day. When I'm at work I'm convinced I don't want kids. I'm also convinced I don't want kids whenever I get my period. But that's normal. I finally have fairy lights in my bedroom but I need pingpong balls to turn them into lanterns. My hair is finally waist-length. I'm learning to come to terms with my acne scars and love them. They're a part of me. I have a car. Her name is Katniss. I've started grad school for the career I really want. I'm becoming strong again. On the inside. Where it counts. I am learning to be me.