terrified

This whole process of applying to grad school is terrifying.
I wish I hadn't started college until last semester. I wasn't ready. I wasn't mature. I wasn't responsible enough. And now I'm afraid I'm going to pay for it by not being accepted to graduate studies.
I should have just majored in english. I would have had a 4.0GPA.
If I could do it over, I would.
I really would.
If I could do it over, that day in October, 2007, I would ignore the cute skater  boy who started talking to me as I was walking to the train station.
If I didn't ignore him, I'd listen to my parents when they warned me, over, and over, and over again.
It makes me worry about being a parent myself someday.
But back to grad school.
They all want 3.0 gpas. Mine isn't quite that.
I tried for so long and so hard to go to medical school, and really, chemistry and physics and calculus and all those other stupid requirements are so not my forte.
Biology and english is. Are. Haha. The irony.
But either way, I'm just worried.
If I do get in, I honestly don't know how I'm going to pay for it. When I get out, how will I pay off the loans?
But what if I don't get in to any? What if none of them like me?
I didn't develop relationships with my professors like I should have to be able to just stroll up to any of them and ask for a recommendation letter...I commuted all my years of studying here, and really, when you're a commuter (perhaps an immature commuter, granted) all you think about is catching that 4:17 train home so you can get back before the sun goes down and you don't have to spend 2 hours on the train instead of one and a half.
I wish I had been more responsible, thought ahead more, asked more questions, listened to my parents, talked to professors, stopped being so goddang SHY, sought out opportunities, NOT listened to my parents about not dorming so I wasn't always rushing home and could have been more involved....
What can I do about all that now?
Nothing.
Not a darn thing.
NOTHING.
So what to do now?
Move forward. Hope that my GPA is overshadowed by great GRE scores. Hope that my writing samples and any possible interviews place me in a good light.
Pray.
Pray some more.
And then ..... go to Cincinnati.

I'm going to draw my tumblr crush! eeeek! So exciting! ^_^

Sometimes I don't think I can do it.

Like now.

escape

the needle is the escape

the metal bar
running through her skin
a solace

hidden scars decorated
in silver and precious stones

damage becomes art
in her eyes

flesh giving way
to the sting and the burn and the itch
something to care for

to look forward to.

insanity

I've always had something against writing things down

because I'm afraid of leaving a paper trail to be followed

But I can't keep these things bottled up inside my head anymore or else I might go insane.

There's so much going on in my life at once...and I don't know how to cope with all of it. My mom is sick, I have to apply to graduate school and take the GRE...and maybe we'll move...and it's me doing all the "looking at the houses."
I'm trying to sort out my feelings in a relationship and see where it goes but my feelings are getting ahead of my brain and scaring the crap out of me.
I didn't take my final exam in the summer course I was taking and got an incomplete and need a doctor's note to be allowed to take a make-up, but the doctor can't see me until monday. And now I called the doctor's office and there's no one answering, and the "voice mailbox has not been activated."
Que?
Yo no comprende.
I also withdrew from the other summer course I was taking.
I have to return one of my pets to the pet shop because he's a bully, and he's been raping my other guinea piggy, and my friend wants me to go with her to Six Flags tomorrow...
I'm mainly broke...
I need to call the department that I'll be volunteering with at the hospital to schedule an interview and then figure out which date exactly is the orientation...
I'll be starting work again in three days...

Do you see just how much stuff is going on at once in my head? And it's all vastly different. Not to mention that I need to study for my GRE, and more pressingly, study for this make-up final which I am fretting about.

I'm not sure whether I feel better yet by writing it down..perhaps I do...
Now I need to vent about this friendship/what-else thing... My mom pointed out about God and how if anyone is not a rock-solid Christian then I have no business considering a relationship with them. But um, hello... I AM NOT (unfortunately) a rock- solid christian. I've got loads of work to do on my own relationship with God...how can I make those demands from someone else?

It seems hypocritical. And I AM trying to do it right...I really am. I'm keeping my distance when we're around each other (which is practically never...he lives like three states away) and keeping our conversation chaste...

I already made it clear where I stand with the no-sex-before-marriage thing...I don't need to go down that road again. I messed up enough. And he's cool with that.
Why why why are we adding this next level into the equation? This demand that he be perfect? Nobody's perfect...

And that's what scares me away from a relationship at all. And it doesn't help seeing my parents argue nonstop almost...any time they talk to each other they disagree. And they SUCK at talking things out like reasonable adults.

Now, he and I, we're not like that...he's really good at talking things out, more so than me, even. But it's all so intimidating. And then, of course, I'm always holding back, because that's what I'm used to doing.  It's how I protect myself.
But my parents both like him so much...there's talk of moving to his state, and my dad even would trust him to have the keys to the house we'll buy until we actually move down there, and my dad trusts no one.
My mom loves him like a son, so much that she gets teary-eyed when she talks about him. He's a perfect gentleman, and respects limits...that's how he was raised.

And he's liked me for 5 years, and been totally unobtrusive about it until he finally made me talk about a possible future together...since I'm graduating soon and I did promise him maybe four years ago that I'd consider it once graduation came up.

I'm painting the picture of a perfect guy, aren't I?

Then why is this all so complicated?

AH. Life. Wherefore art thou....life?

untitled because of confusion

I'm so torn...

I want to do this right. I really do.

And if all else fails, we promised we'd stay friends, right?

Why do so many doubts have to keep coming in? Nothing worth it is ever easy, right?

Maybe I just let myself get discouraged too easily.

If I really want it, I have to keep trying.

I've got so many plans for myself (style-wise) once I move out.

I'm going to finish that piece on my side, and I'm going to get my cartilage pierced.

I've realized that I love tattoos. I love the idea of having a PICTURE on my body. Art. It's so cool. And I love the one I have now.

Also, when I move out (which in my head, at the moment, means when I go away to graduate school), I'm going to get the "I write my world" tatt on my right wrist (in typewriter font). I'm also going to get my cross - EKG tattoo on my left wrist.

For my 25th birthday, I want the drum sticks with the red ribbon on my upper left arm.
Oh. I also plan to take up ballet and breakdancing.

On my own first, that way when I go into a class I won't be so awkward and lost.
Back to the tattoos. I found a drawing on tumblr that was amazing, and I want it as a full back piece, but I want to mesh it with the guitar neck that I want going down my back...it's a skeleton with flowers and moths as part of it. But I want a tatt artist to design the neck of the guitar like bone, and make the whole skeleton into a guitar, and reverse the anatomy of the skeleton, because right now its a front view, which wouldn't make sense on my back.

Ah. Here we are. So..picture it on my entire back, but the back view of the skeleton, and the neck piece somehow extending to be a guitar...I dunno.My neck is not that long, lol.  Now that I'm looking at it it needs some tweaking, but I'll find a way to incorporate a guitar. =)

Anyway. Time for bed. It's 2am. Got class at 10:30....blechh.

Good night!!