Why am I still doing this?
Why am I doing what I have to?
I don't want to.
I want to do what I want to do.
I want to do what's fun, and interesting, and non-obligatory.
I've always had a problem with people telling me what to do...I'll do it, I just don't like the process of being told to do something.
I want to do things because I can, or because I feel like it. Not because I absolutely have to because some stupid grade or deadline depends on it.
I should run away and go live in the forest.
Or just be a gypsy or something. What are gypsies anyway?
Why does everything turn into work?
If you write, and get a company to work for with writing, boom. You have deadlines that loom over you like 100 story buildings that block out the sun.
What about being an artist? Why can't I just roam the world? Because I'd have to take trains and airplanes and buses or some nonsense like that, and the people who operate them are constrained to these small minded things like getting a paycheck at the end of the week.
Who invented money, anyway?
It's annoying. You need money for everything.
The freakin' internet costs money...heck, my laptop that I'm typing on right now cost money...a pretty penny, too.
It's still not even paid for fully.
Am I just bum-like and lazy?
Why am I tied into science? It's interesting, but I hate, hate, HATE having to memorize stuff or all this...ugh!
Here's what happened. Ever since I was about six, I wanted to be a veterinarian. Then I hit middle school, took a pre-nursing class as an elective, and got utterly engrossed in neuroscience. I decided I wanted to be a neurosurgeon.
That stuck with me through high school, and when I started college, don't get me started on the advisors. They didn't give me any help at all. They just said, hey, you can major in dance, if you like, as long as you take the prerequisite science courses for med school.
No telling me to volunteer or get research experience, or suggestions for shadowing or anything.
Piss me off.
So I proceeded to go through five and a half years of college, about halfway through starting to seriously doubt whether I was cut out for medicine.
My mom didn't let me quit, bless her heart. She only had my best intentions at heart. But at that point, it would still have been early enough for me to explore other options; for me to change my major...maybe to dance. Not really. But still. I could have started looking at other careers and course offerings rather than isolating myself to science, and now I still don't have the hands-on experience I need to even get a decent internship or whatever because everyone wants experience, but you have to have experience to get experience.
It's a vicious cycle.
Now I finally decided to not totally change my career, but I'm not doing med school, I decided I wanted to do research.
Now I'm not sure if I can do research, cause my gpa (stupid thing) isn't quite up to par for that.
Piss me off, again.
I'm looking into science writing now. Seems cool....and it does offer the opportunity to travel if you decide to become a science journalist.
I'm also needing to really consider employment after graduation. *sigh*
The ONE advisor I went to who trumped all the others at my school (a lovely lady) suggested that I look into paid student conservation internships.
That actually seems promising.
And I'd get to travel America.
What if I decided I want to work in conservation? So what if it's not neuroscience?
My dad mentioned that he's worried that I don't know what I want to do with my life.
Looky here. He wanted to be a soldier when he was my age. He would have been, but he got sick. (long story...his brother poisoned him. Yeah.)
He's not doing that now, but like, why do I have to have my mind made up? Actually, how can I be EXPECTED to have my mind made up when I don't even know what's out there?
The good advisor lady also suggested working for a museum or as a child life specialist, since I like children. (But I don't like to see children suffer, so probably not the latter). But if I work for a museum, wouldn't I be tied down to one spot? Like, forever? Unless they wanted me to like, transport their materials, but I might have to have had a major in art or art history for that. I dunno.
*sigh*
I should have done archaeology. Heck no. That'd mean memorizing dates.
I should have been an art major. Or music. But I think I had to audition for music, or maybe not. Good God, I don't know what I want to do with my life, but I know I want it to involve traveling and sightseeing. And something creative or ....informative.
Maybe I'm just selfish and unrealistic.
But is that so bad?
Yea, it probably is. I also want to go to Kenya. I want to work in their Abandoned Baby Center there.....it's a year commitment, and I don't mind that at all.
But then I worry about my family.
And now, what about this whole moving to Norway thing? If I get a job here, it would look bad on my resume if I just up and leave.
Wait.
But if I'm just doing a year's paid internship, then.....when it's done I could go wherever, right? Or just do more internships with them.
Great big sigh. I found a job listing on craigslist for a new business looking for a proofreader/editor, who would get paid either $20/hr or per work edited.
I sent them an email.
I hope to God that I get that position/opportunity.
Okay. I've gotta go now, but oh boy oh boy oh boy... (that's fun to type. It only requires one hand)....I'm tired of school.
I really am.
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