=(

I had an awful dream last night.

It must've come from re-reading all those poems I'd written over the years for different boys I'd liked...I never knew I wrote so many...for boys. Eww.

Anyway, I came across one from my ex...

And ended up dreaming about him.

*sigh*
I never knew I was still so hurt by him. Why is it always like that? Why do they have to hurt us?

The dream was that he actually moved in across the street from me, with his fiancée. I don't know if he has one in real life or not. I shouldn't care. But in the dream, it hurt so bad. I woke up with an actual pain in my chest...a throbbing ache...and it wasn't just any ol' chest pain.

It was the kind you can only get from having your heart broken. You probably know the difference, too.

He was talking to me, in the dream, and I don't know, somehow I ended up inside his apartment and he introduced me to the girl...and I couldn't even hate her if I tried, because she was just so nice. I don't know how he ever would have ended up with her.

I don't think I want to write down the details of the dream because I'm pretty sure I won't want to look back and have to remember them. But we haven't been together for five years, and I haven't spoken to him in all that time either.

Why should a dream throw me so off-kilter?

I told her, in the dream, that I was happy for them and wouldn't want to split them up (she knew I was his ex)...there was a misunderstanding because he was trying to get me to hide the paper that held our conversation on it...weird. We talked out loud, but then everything was scrawled in blue ink on a notebook paper. She tried to get it from me but I wouldn't let her see it.

We had talked, somewhat awkwardly, about our past relationship and caught up to date a little bit on what had been going on, while his wife-to-be had left the room.

I think I'm going to stay away from guys. Like, totally, until I'm done with like, half of my life. It's utterly useless to engross yourself so much in someone only to have it end and then have regrets that sneak up on you half a decade later...when you thought you'd long ago buried them and moved on.

Seriously.
It hurt.